Paralyzed by Fear: The Inner Struggle of a Twenty-Something

I am floundering, barely existing in this so-called real world that you supposedly enter upon crossing that overwhelming stage in that cliched and generic polyester cap and gown. In my first year following graduation, I was haunted by persistent dreams of failure. Dreams that I didn't actually graduate, that I was being held back, that I was forced to watch all of my friends graduate while I would have to stay another semester in summer school. The dream was always some variation of the same recurring theme that I had not, in fact, earned my diploma, and was nothing but a failure. I would wake up covered in sweat and disoriented for the rest of the day almost unsure of whether a.) that was in fact a dream and not my reality or b.) that any day now despite having received my diploma 6-months prior, I was due to receive the fateful letter in the mail informing me there was a grave error made at my expense, and sadly, I would be forced to return for summer school.
I guess having to take something as ridiculous as gym in summer school before my junior year of high-school, had a more profound affect then I had ever realized.

I fear failure. I fear failure to such a debilitating extent that it prevents me from actually taking action and pursuing any professional success. The potential outcome of failure is far too risky for me to handle, so in my insecure mind, it is far safer to remain on the sidelines of life, not succeeding, but avoiding the risk of failure.

However, by not trying, I am thus failing. So for the last two years I have not only been a failure, but I have been a coward as well.
For the last two years since I graduated college, my life has been a stop-and-go mess of short lived dead-end jobs that have accomplished nothing and gotten me nowhere. I have dreams, I have goals, I have passions, deep-rooted passions that lay dormant within me because I have not had the chance to explore them. It is not for a lack of interest or desire, it isn't even laziness. There is a willingness on my end to strive for something greater than a life spent on Facebook, or watching reality TV. No, I would much rather be out and about, exploring my identity through professional and cultural experiences and broadening my sense of self.
I want to define myself in broader terms then who I have dated or slept with. I am fully aware that my idea of self-worth is defined by how the male(and occasionally female) population sees me. If I am in a flourishing relationship, or surrounded by attention from friends and men alike, then it is a good day in LizzieLand. If I go out to a bar or club and don't garner the attention of a number of men, if my mother tells me 12x before I walk out the door just how unflattering my outfit is to my fat figure, if my father consistently disappoints me that night, and if I don't have the attention of handsome men, then my self-worth plummets lower then the Stock Exchange.

It's fucked up, I know. This is why I want to be a therapist--because I can accurately assess destructive thought patterns and behaviors in both myself and in others.

I am steadily trying to change this behavior and these thought patterns. First of all, I need to focus less on my relationships and more on myself. I sacrifice myself for others. I need to learn to tell people no, learn to take a bigger stand against those who try to distract me. I need to take off my water wings and dive into the proverbial pool of life. I need to try. I have been taking steps, baby, toddler-sized steps towards accomplishing some of my goals. I need to do something really fucking great to make up for the waste that last year was.

21 things that I want in a Lover

blue eyes, like the sky
soft hands, firm and masculine
big strong arms, big enough to keep me safe
hair brown like the sand
heart strong but open, bruised but not broken
lips pink and smooth

democratic and diplomatic, 50-50, fair and discreet,
a firm believer in equal rights
Hopeful rather than hopeless romantic
Enjoys reading and learning, knowledge to him is boundless and never-ending.
Openhearted, open-minded and levelheaded
Thoughtful, generous, passive yet assertive
Dependable and determined
dedicated and loyal
Respectful and rational, makes decisions easily yet considers others opinions
Listens intently, truly interested in what others have to say
Wants to hear all of my stories
Tender and loving, shy but doesn't shy away from public displays of adoration
The peacemaker and passive one between us but would stand up for me in a crowd and defend me to the death
Challenges me to try new things, and allows me to impart that same challenge onto him
Diligent, intelligent, street-smart and business savvy,
Optimistic and encouraging,
Level-headed and masculine, physically fit but not too toned
Sociable yet quiet
Organized and spontaneous, romantic and passionate
Loyal and honest, athletic and well-read, likes to travel and see the world
treats every day as an opportunity for adventure