Thank You 2010

2010 was a good year.

In fact, as years go it was the best.

They say the way you spend your New Year's Eve is the way you will spend your year.
I spent last year with my wonderful best friend Rita and her family in her cozy house in the Northern suburbs of New Jersey eating delicious Russian food and drinking.

That is a metaphor for how the rest of 2010 went for me.
I ate lots of good food, with lots of good people and just enjoyed myself.

2010 was a year that was hopeful. Literally consumed with possibilities both professionally and romantically.
I accomplished many goals large and small, some of which were New Year's Resolutions.

In typical Lizzie fashion I will make a list of some of the personal highlights of 2010!

1.) I GOT INTO TOURO GRADUATE SCHOOL'S MASTERS OF SOCIAL WORK PROGRAM- Graduate School has meant the world to me. I wish I had done it right out of college. I love the school, the program, the professors, and most significantly learning about a profession that I am passionate about. Discovering a career that I am passionate about has made learning exciting. This feeling, this connection that I have for Social Work, is the missing link. I sit in class and feel part of, unlike much of my school experiences prior where I felt detached and disconnected. It's been a blessing.
2.) DR. MCDREAMY- Who would have thought this little boy whose adorable baby pictures I had spent much of my life staring at, would come into my life like this? Who would have thought I would be dating someone my mother set me up with. And, who would have thought my mom would actually manage to set me up with a Doctor!?!! Through ups, downs, laughs, debates, and many embarrassing moments(most often on my end) time shared with him has been nothing short of amazing.
3.)BOSTON-It was the best of times, the worst of times. I had wanted to visit Boston since I was 13 and my camp went on a 5 day trip there that I missed thanks to my parents pulling me out of camp early that summer. And back in April I finally got to. My fabulous friend Nattaly who was studying at Boston College got to play host and tour guide showing us many of the sights that the city of Boston has to offer. The Liberty trail, Quincy Market, Little Italy, Salem, Harvard and the Sam Adams Brewery. It was the last time all 4 of the Jewish BOR Whores as my lovely college girlfriends call ourselves were together.
4.)BARTENDING SCHOOL-I had always wanted to learn to bartend and it finally occurred to me over the summer to go for it. A two week course at New York Bartending School taught me how to make everything from Manhattan's to Cosmo's, Bay Breeze's to Blow Job shots, and all the wine, spirits, beer and cordials in between. I also managed to make 24 different drinks in under 6 minutes. Hopefully I can get a job in 2011 and put those skills to use.
5.)EBAY,AMAZON,ETSY, OH, MY-One of my small goals was to sell my stuff online. My mother and I have started to make a small dent and a decent sized profit selling crafts, clothes, books and dvd's online.
6.)FINANCIAL INDEPENDENCE-I finally got control of my finances which were under my parents clutches for the past 25 years. With the money I have made from my online business sales I have been able to establish a little bit of financial independence and even bought myself a brand new laptop back in October which I am using to type this entry.
7.)YOGA-I have rediscovered yoga in the last two months through an awesome studio with locations throughout Manhattan called Yoga to the People. I enjoy the whole experience of yoga and the way it gently transforms your mind, body and soul. Hopefully 2011 will mark a deeper exploration and dedication to attending more yoga classes.

I think I will end the list at 7. 7 is a nice lucky number, or so they say. These and so many more reasons are why I am thankful to have had a happy, joyous, and exciting 2010.

Goodbye 2010, it's been a pleasure!
See you all next year!

Love,
Elizabeth Stacy

For a Boy

In childhood we were innocent.
Bright blue eyes, baby soft skin, and everything was pure.
For years and decades we were apart,
you were just the little boy with the yellow hair and big blue eyes that peered at me through your baby pictures
Time and years and distance,
childhood, adolescence,
all the while we never knew each other.
Adulthood is where we met,
though it was like meeting for the very first time.
I never saw it coming but that is how it always happens.
It's when you aren't looking for the light that the light finds you.

Things have changed since then
since the days of Fisher Price toys and innocence.
you are older now,no more blonde hair, but your eyes
your eyes are still as blue as they were when we were children although age and wisdom has colored them a different hue.

In many ways we are different. You possess so many qualities of maturity, dignity and a dedication to helping others, all skills I someday hope to possess
When last I saw you I looked at a little boy and now before me stands a man.
A man of honor, a man of courage, a man of strength.
A man who has so much I admire.
A man I want to always know.

for a father

It was just yesterday I was three years old and you would bounce me on your knee.
I smiled and laughed and wanted to stay like this forever and didn't know that things could change
I am 25 now, and you don't even know my name
I don't want to think back on yesterdays and memories of what ifs and how it used to be.

There were more days I was mad at you and days we didn't speak
Times I cursed you and wished bad things
There was more bad than good and that makes me sad, and probably always will.
I have always worried about you, when you should have been busy worrying about me
Nights I waited up for you to come home before I went to sleep.
And after years of waiting and you didn't come home, I would go to bed early just so I didn't have to see you.
Clutching my covers tightly around my chin, I would shut my eyes and pretend to be asleep when you finally came home and peered into my room to check on me.
I did that for years and realized how sad that was that it had gotten to that point.

There were so many times you disappointed me, promised trips to Disney World, vacations and broken promises you would come home.
After so many broken promises I stopped waiting up, and learned to get by on my own.

I guess the reason I stared out windows was because I was secretly waiting for you.
To be my knight in shining armor and give me something worth waiting for.
I can't understand how you could let things get this bad.
I never understood how you could abandon your family.
I understand now how flawed you are, and maybe one day I will be able to talk to you without tears in my eyes.

25 Things You Oughta Know About Me

1. I have a 14(soon to be 15)year old cat named Steffi. She was a rescue and I have had her for 12 years.
2. My initials(excluding my middle initial) are ET, like the movie. Yes, I always make sure to phone home.
3. My parents thought I was going to be a boy. My name would have been Eric Scott.
4. I speak a few words of Spanish and around 25 words of Russian.
5. While on the subject of languages I really would love to eventually become fluent in Russian.
6. I have only been on a plane one time in my life and it wasn't until I was 22!
7. I can't ride a bike, swim, or roller skate.
8. I hate roller coasters, but love amusement parks, fairs, and arcades.
9. I have a Hebrew name and intend to give all of my future children Hebrew names as well.
10. I have eaten sushi every single week since I was 16 years old. At most I have had it 8x in one week.
11. My favorite dish to make is Russian Olivier salad.
12. I have tons of food allergies and things I have to avoid. It sucks, cuz most of them are yummy!
13. I was born on Mother's Day.
14. I do not own a microwave, washing machine, dryer, or dishwasher.
15. I still sleep with stuffed animals, one of which is a turtle tot who I have had and cherished since my third birthday.
16. I have never played sports, however I am extremely flexible.
17. This is not the only blog I have. The other one is a secret that nobody knows about.
18. I have a vast knowledge of random pop culture trivia, particularly involving celebrities and music.
19. My favorite board game is Scrabble.
20. I almost taught High School English.
21. I love volunteer work and once I get back on a steady routine I intend to volunteer at least once a month.
22. I have had almost every hair color except for blue.
23. My mom and I have the same initials,
24. I only look sweet and innocent.
25. There is so much more to me than meets the eye...

Things We Dare Not Say

There are things that we dare not say.
Rules unspoken outlining thoughts forbidden.
There are rules unwritten that say that it is too soon to truly open up
too soon to share what weighs heavy on your mind and in your heart
Is it out of fear?
Fear of what?
Fear of how others will receive our feelings, our thoughts, our worries and our struggles
Is it a fear of being judged,
A fear that by confessing our innermost thoughts that will somehow change the shape and dynamics of our interactions
and the course of our relationship will forever be altered.

My whole upbringing has been based on fear
I was reared by hands shaky and uncertain
With not necessarily actions that screamed FEAR,
but words unsaid that spoke volumes about how much fear lingered in the air and in this world.
I lived in a house, an apartment, where the fear of change crushed me and threatened to turn me into a miserable, fearful person.
But I got out.
I learned some years ago that fear is not always there to protect you.
Sometimes you have to ignore the fear and do that which is scary.

I am scared.
I am not afraid to say that I am afraid.
That is my deepest secret.
My darkest confession.
I am scared.

Scared of what you ask?
Scared of everything.
Scared that I will make the wrong decision.
Scared that I will fail.
Scared that I will make a mistake that will forever alter the course of the rest of my life.
A mistake that will make me a failure.
I am afraid to fail. Petrified to fail. Terrified of failure.
and rejection
let's not forget rejection.
Rejection is fear's ugly cousin.


I am scared you are not the one for me.
More than that I am scared you are
I am scared that you are my last best shot at happiness and you will inevitably slip away
I am scared you are already slipping away, some moments I can actually feel it.
Feel you right next to me yet already gone.
We are always watching the clock, painfully aware of the time, the hands ticking away at our time together.
I am afraid life and distance and time will get in the way of us being the best us we can be.
I am afraid I am not good enough for you.
I am afraid I am falling for you but I am just filling empty space for you, space that someone else could easily come along and fill.
I am scared of falling for you, letting go and falling hopelessly and emphatically in love with you and you won't be strong enough to catch me,
scared you won't even be there..

but you will never know any of this
because these are the things I dare not say.

Paralyzed by Fear: The Inner Struggle of a Twenty-Something

I am floundering, barely existing in this so-called real world that you supposedly enter upon crossing that overwhelming stage in that cliched and generic polyester cap and gown. In my first year following graduation, I was haunted by persistent dreams of failure. Dreams that I didn't actually graduate, that I was being held back, that I was forced to watch all of my friends graduate while I would have to stay another semester in summer school. The dream was always some variation of the same recurring theme that I had not, in fact, earned my diploma, and was nothing but a failure. I would wake up covered in sweat and disoriented for the rest of the day almost unsure of whether a.) that was in fact a dream and not my reality or b.) that any day now despite having received my diploma 6-months prior, I was due to receive the fateful letter in the mail informing me there was a grave error made at my expense, and sadly, I would be forced to return for summer school.
I guess having to take something as ridiculous as gym in summer school before my junior year of high-school, had a more profound affect then I had ever realized.

I fear failure. I fear failure to such a debilitating extent that it prevents me from actually taking action and pursuing any professional success. The potential outcome of failure is far too risky for me to handle, so in my insecure mind, it is far safer to remain on the sidelines of life, not succeeding, but avoiding the risk of failure.

However, by not trying, I am thus failing. So for the last two years I have not only been a failure, but I have been a coward as well.
For the last two years since I graduated college, my life has been a stop-and-go mess of short lived dead-end jobs that have accomplished nothing and gotten me nowhere. I have dreams, I have goals, I have passions, deep-rooted passions that lay dormant within me because I have not had the chance to explore them. It is not for a lack of interest or desire, it isn't even laziness. There is a willingness on my end to strive for something greater than a life spent on Facebook, or watching reality TV. No, I would much rather be out and about, exploring my identity through professional and cultural experiences and broadening my sense of self.
I want to define myself in broader terms then who I have dated or slept with. I am fully aware that my idea of self-worth is defined by how the male(and occasionally female) population sees me. If I am in a flourishing relationship, or surrounded by attention from friends and men alike, then it is a good day in LizzieLand. If I go out to a bar or club and don't garner the attention of a number of men, if my mother tells me 12x before I walk out the door just how unflattering my outfit is to my fat figure, if my father consistently disappoints me that night, and if I don't have the attention of handsome men, then my self-worth plummets lower then the Stock Exchange.

It's fucked up, I know. This is why I want to be a therapist--because I can accurately assess destructive thought patterns and behaviors in both myself and in others.

I am steadily trying to change this behavior and these thought patterns. First of all, I need to focus less on my relationships and more on myself. I sacrifice myself for others. I need to learn to tell people no, learn to take a bigger stand against those who try to distract me. I need to take off my water wings and dive into the proverbial pool of life. I need to try. I have been taking steps, baby, toddler-sized steps towards accomplishing some of my goals. I need to do something really fucking great to make up for the waste that last year was.

21 things that I want in a Lover

blue eyes, like the sky
soft hands, firm and masculine
big strong arms, big enough to keep me safe
hair brown like the sand
heart strong but open, bruised but not broken
lips pink and smooth

democratic and diplomatic, 50-50, fair and discreet,
a firm believer in equal rights
Hopeful rather than hopeless romantic
Enjoys reading and learning, knowledge to him is boundless and never-ending.
Openhearted, open-minded and levelheaded
Thoughtful, generous, passive yet assertive
Dependable and determined
dedicated and loyal
Respectful and rational, makes decisions easily yet considers others opinions
Listens intently, truly interested in what others have to say
Wants to hear all of my stories
Tender and loving, shy but doesn't shy away from public displays of adoration
The peacemaker and passive one between us but would stand up for me in a crowd and defend me to the death
Challenges me to try new things, and allows me to impart that same challenge onto him
Diligent, intelligent, street-smart and business savvy,
Optimistic and encouraging,
Level-headed and masculine, physically fit but not too toned
Sociable yet quiet
Organized and spontaneous, romantic and passionate
Loyal and honest, athletic and well-read, likes to travel and see the world
treats every day as an opportunity for adventure

I could fall in love with you only if the seasons didn't change

My life changes with the seasons,
My days are dark and gray.
The hours grow increasingly unproductive as the snow now hardening into ice becomes
filth- covered.
Bleak and hallow, no light or warmth to guide my way.
I spend my days shivering under blankets made of fleece,
and socks made of wool,
and tattered sweatshirts made of cotton.
I sleep till three, and when I wake I curse the sky and vow to continue to hibernate.
I pull the covers back over my head, having only the motivation to breathe, although that too, often, becomes a difficult task.

When the spring comes, and the sun begins to warm the sidewalks,
and a gentle breeze rolls through my window caressing my face on that first spring day,
I know that I am born again.
I peel the covers back, take off my fleece and wool, and smile at the sky peering through the open crack of my window.
Spring is here at last.

Inevitably with spring comes a renewed motivation to take on the world, and likewise, the world seems to possess a renewed interest in taking on me
Old friends and new seek to gather in the daylight, exchange numbers and promises to make plans real soon.
Guys that I haven't seen since I was a size 2, glance my way, suddenly wanting to brighten my day.
Apparently under the gleam of the sunlight I am desirable.
The neighborhood boys who wouldn't let me play with their toys are now banging on my door to see if I can come out and play.

No matter how many seasons have passed, I still revel in the attention,
It is nice to dance under the sun and feel wanted
Most of these boys are 'fly by night' as my mother would say
I know they just are interested in me for one day
When my heart aches for love, on a rainy day, they will be gone
These neighborhood boys are just looking for a ride.
I am like a toy that they want to play with but will inevitably lose interest in after one usage.
and soon they will realize that I am not worth the money they spent.

Out of all the summer flings that I inevitably have, every other summer, there comes a time when someone special arrives and makes me think they are more than just a fling.
This person is always someone of Jewish descent, always someone with a shy reserved nature, someone smart and driven, but in need of nurturing.

This person arrives into my life by surprise,
always someone from my past, an old elementary school friend, a boy I used to know from camp, a pre-school aged playmate, who is suddenly all grown up.

Always someone from my past. Which makes it all the more a whirlwind courtship.
The stars seem to align in such a way that I think 'this could be the one' and I fall head over heels in love,
so in love that my mind and the reality of our circumstances hasn't a chance to catch up
We fall hard and we fall fast and in the end I am the only one left who can't seem to pick myself up off the ground.

Inevitably the seasons will change again.
The sun will have gone away, and the darkness will return,
and I will be alone again, left to endure another brutal winter surrounded and suffocating under a wave of fleece, wool and cotton.

New York City

You sweep me off my feet, like two lovers dancing in the rain
twisting and gliding in the harsh breeze as I wait for the F train
Your breathe is cold against my face
Your touch is raw against my palms
Your sound is the sound of 1,000 lovers joyous and in pain

I run to meet you under sunrises and sunsets
High heels clicking under my footsteps
Maybe there is a gentleman waiting for me on a Fall day,
on the corner, in the village, across from the West Side Highway
Maybe there is a fancy night on your town, waiting for me on a warm summer night
Or maybe I am shivering timidly on your park benches under a streetlight
New York City you take my breath away with your beauty and your pain
Like a lover who penetrates me but then can't recall my name
There is something poetic about your every city mile, how every street corner tells a different story and in a world that can swallow you up, it is nice to walk along your city streets and feel comforted by your heartbeat.

echos from a past unfished

a list of numbers, names and positions,
a laundry list of days, weeks, months and years gone by.
i scour old journals for your name, for proof that you existed, proof that my memory of you is real
i am stuck in this time warp where I haven't changed yet somehow everyone else in my life has,
i sit numbing myself with Southern Comfort and razor blades and folksy chick rock
while you are in bed with countless lovers, all so much more significant than I was
your name is just another name on a piece of paper anyway
and i am just another notch on your belt buckle.
it doesn't much matter what we had
what ever happened to the promises, that no matter how many times the tides ripped us apart, we'd always float back out to sea until we reached each other again.
Whatever happened to the way you looked at me, stared at me from across the room, the way you now look at her
The way your eyes sparkled as you watched me when you thought I wasn't looking, and all the times we'd stare at each other longingly both too young or too scared to tell the other what was really on our minds
I am not scared to tell you what has long been on my mind, but now you are somebody elses lover, her possession.
I no longer have the right to stare at you, or worship you the way I once did.

I wish we were kids again because knowing what I know now, I would have never let you go.

Snovom Godom-My Resolutions for 2010

TOP 10 RESOLUTIONS

1.)Quit Smoking- I have been a smoker since 2000. It started with Marlboro Reds borrowed from Corey while at Dave's first few shows when I was 14. Then it progressed to purchasing Capri's at the bodega on Union Tpke on the walk home from school, when I was a depressed 15-year old sophomore( the Indian man behind the counter didn't even card me). Then it turned into a virtual sampling of the smorgasbord of tobacco products. Lucky Strike, Camels, Marlboro Reds, Lights, Ultra Lights, Menthol Lights, Milds, Newports, Kool, Merits, American Spirits, Misty's, Salem, Pall Mall, Parliaments, Capri, Nat Sherman, Dunhill and Djarum's cloves, and black and milds cigarillos. I own a hookah from the Middle East. I have explored all that the world of nicotine laced tobacco has to offer. I watched both my grandfathers die from tobacco related illnesses and yet a decade ago I began smoking. Sometimes it has been social, other times it has been habitual. It has been my clutch, my security blanket, my go-to means of self destruction. It's time I find a new way to self-destruct.
2.) Lose (more) Weight-As previously stated for those of you that read my last entry I lost 25lbs in 2009. I would like to lose a bit more weight. I want to be healthier and that includes toning up a bit and being able to wear a bikini next summer. Another 10 lbs would be ideal for now. I want to start running once the weather gets nice, hopefully around March. I also would like to cook more and order take-out less. I want to learn some new recipes, specifically of the Jewish, Israeli and Russian variety.
3.) Eliminate Negative Individuals-Okay, so I tend to put up with a lot of crap from people. Not nearly as much as I used to, but still a lot more than I should. I give a lot of leeway and slack to people, particularly men than they deserve. I let them disappoint me and then I give them enough rope with which to hang themselves with, and believe me, 9 times out of 10 they inevitably do--hang themselves that is. I, being the emotional creature that I am, become completely devastated and self-destructive and regretful that I gave these individuals the time of day to begin with. 9 times out of 10 I knew better. 9 times out of 10 it wasn't a complete shock when they turned out to be lying scumbags. It's time to focus my energy on the people in my life who deserve it. The people who have earned a place in my inner circle. The people worthy of my time and energy, love and devotion. Whether I went on one date with you, or have been friends with you for years, if you do not treat me with respect, I am no longer going to give you the time of day. The worst punishment I can inflict is not allowing you a coveted slot in my world.
4.) Go to bed earlier- Going to bed earlier is directly related to my level of productivity. The later I go to bed, the later I am likely to wake up. The later I wake up, the less I get done. The less I get done, the more depressed I will be, the more depressed I am the later I go to sleep and the cycle continues.
5.)Ebay- For the last 6-8 months I have started selling my mothers crochet supplies on Ebay. My mother has a huge inventory of beautiful yarn, as well as knitting and crochet books and patterns all in new condition. I have a smaller sized inventory of used books, and clothes to sell. We have done fairly well for ourselves, but we haven't sold our merchandise on a regular basis. It is a big goal of mine that while I am currently unemployed I will really conquer the online market and get maximum dollar for our merchandise.
6.) Return phone calls- So I am terrible at this. Always have been. Friends will call me, and I will not feel like talking, so I ignore their calls, figuring I will call them back in ten minutes when I am free. Well that is a fine plan except for the fact that I rarely return their phone calls and when I do it's after they have tried to reach me another 7 times. Bad lizzie.