never

I will never wear white and not spill on it
I will never wear stillettos and not get them stuck in the metal grates that line the city
I will never be the girl that rolls out of bed looking amazing
I will never be ready for a fancy night out in under an hour
I will never bite my tongue to make other people feel better when it is their fault I am feeling lousy
I will never remember where I put my phone, five seconds after I put it in my purse
I will never not secretly crave the attention of every male in the room
I will never get a manicure and manage to not smudge it an hour later
I will never stop putting my heart on the line, long after it ceased to be worth the risk
I will never buy a pint of ice-cream and not feel compelled to finish at least half of it
I will never be on time
I will never be able to do easy math in my head
I will never return phone calls when I say I will
I will never not hold a grudge against the people I trust who've betrayed me
I will never compromise my core values to please someone else
I will never be perfect.

Your girl is lovely Hubble

she looked him in the eye,
jealousy mixed with sincerity glimmered in the light of the bar
How long till I am happy she wondered
my happily ever after was supposed to come first
tosseled hair hides the truth behind the smile
years passed since she was that girl
that girl that did things to rise the boys
In the meantime,boys have become men, while the same old games no longer apply
the upper hand has shifted and shes back on the bottom
this bitterness will pass
envy and pity never looked good on a woman of her kind
she wears her emotions like last seasons dress, still fits but doesnt quite look so becomming anymore

How she longed for the day to come, where they can carry on adult conversations in mature locations
Speak intimately in hushed tones sharing secrets that nobody else knows
Friendly flirtations over pony neck bottles
Discussions about music, family, and days gone by
Reminiscent of the past, yet optimistic about the future
this day came four years too late she thought but I suppose I should take comfort that it happened at all

bell bottom jeans and flannel

When we were thirteen you had a mushroom haircut and I was still wearing kids jeans. bell bottoms. patchwork and ponytails. When we held hands my heart fluttered. You kissed me in the park. in the snow, with our friends watching us as we stood behind a tree. that closed-mouthed kiss on chapped lips lasted until the spring. When the spring came, you convinced me to walk the three long daunting miles from school to your house. and you brought me to your room where you kissed me again---for real this time. and then your mom walked in. Every Friday Nirvana and Green Day blasted from the speakers as we timidly explored each others bodies as the sun shone through your window. when we were 14 we started a band. i watched in awe as you banged away in your garage. in awe of your two-different colored eyes. awe of your garage that was the perfect teenage wasteland. when we were 15 you broke my heart. my best friend let me seek refuge in her house for the night. i stained her bathtub pink. I fainted 5 times two weeks later. Your flannel shirt enveloped my limp, lethargic 85lb body as I cried into my carpet. i wore those sweatpants ragged. Marlboro Reds became my best friend before they became yours. I blamed you for my downward spiral. I wrote your name on walls. walls that have since been painted over. I stood in the cold watching you from afar. i paid you $10 to sing me a song that wasnt meant for me. that was my first lesson in heartbreak. ive learned a lot since then. maybe i havent learned anything at all. ten years have passed. a lifetime. since we were kids. pink hair, break ups, college and a marriage. time has passed but nostalgia lasts forever.

All I Really Want

to want:1: to fail to possess especially in customary or required amount : lack

I finally settled on a title. All I Really Want. It has a pleathora of meanings and symbolism. First of all, it is the name of the first song on my all-time favorite record by Alanis Morissettes Jagged Little Pill. Secondly, we live in a world of mass consumption. Everything is bigger, better, faster, smaller, more high-tech, more money, more fame, more, more, more. Simplicity is dead. Satisfaction is gone. Nobody is content anymore. Everyone is constantly striving for the next best thing. A bigger house, a faster car, a smaller phone, a quick-fix to lifes problems. People these days are constantly in a state of wanting. And I am not different.

I am the prototypical only child. I wanted siblings but never got them. That sense of independance coupled with lonliness that only an only child can relate to is a driving force in many of my actions. I am constantly longing for something, something that is mine, something that I can possess with all of my being. Since, I am a fan of lists(more on my love of lists another time), I will make a list of all the things I am currently longing for.

• money
• something to fill the gaps between the passage of time, and the development of my thoughts ie: a job(i sorta have that...or will soon)
• my license
• the feeling I had on December 2, 2008.
• something new and exciting that I can explore and feel passionate about
• the next few weeks to come and go swiftly and painlessly(relatively speaking)

Wow, surprisingly, that is the shortest list I think I have ever compiled.