There are things that we dare not say.
Rules unspoken outlining thoughts forbidden.
There are rules unwritten that say that it is too soon to truly open up
too soon to share what weighs heavy on your mind and in your heart
Is it out of fear?
Fear of what?
Fear of how others will receive our feelings, our thoughts, our worries and our struggles
Is it a fear of being judged,
A fear that by confessing our innermost thoughts that will somehow change the shape and dynamics of our interactions
and the course of our relationship will forever be altered.
My whole upbringing has been based on fear
I was reared by hands shaky and uncertain
With not necessarily actions that screamed FEAR,
but words unsaid that spoke volumes about how much fear lingered in the air and in this world.
I lived in a house, an apartment, where the fear of change crushed me and threatened to turn me into a miserable, fearful person.
But I got out.
I learned some years ago that fear is not always there to protect you.
Sometimes you have to ignore the fear and do that which is scary.
I am scared.
I am not afraid to say that I am afraid.
That is my deepest secret.
My darkest confession.
I am scared.
Scared of what you ask?
Scared of everything.
Scared that I will make the wrong decision.
Scared that I will fail.
Scared that I will make a mistake that will forever alter the course of the rest of my life.
A mistake that will make me a failure.
I am afraid to fail. Petrified to fail. Terrified of failure.
and rejection
let's not forget rejection.
Rejection is fear's ugly cousin.
I am scared you are not the one for me.
More than that I am scared you are
I am scared that you are my last best shot at happiness and you will inevitably slip away
I am scared you are already slipping away, some moments I can actually feel it.
Feel you right next to me yet already gone.
We are always watching the clock, painfully aware of the time, the hands ticking away at our time together.
I am afraid life and distance and time will get in the way of us being the best us we can be.
I am afraid I am not good enough for you.
I am afraid I am falling for you but I am just filling empty space for you, space that someone else could easily come along and fill.
I am scared of falling for you, letting go and falling hopelessly and emphatically in love with you and you won't be strong enough to catch me,
scared you won't even be there..
but you will never know any of this
because these are the things I dare not say.
