yesterday

yesterday i held your hand. fingers gliding between your slender fingers. the day before that we hugged goodbye, who knew it would be our final goodbye. the next day I cried. cried for weeks, cried for months. sometimes I cried for no reason. A television show we used to watch, a coffee shop we once went to, a street we once passed by. Other times my tears have a purpose. A purpose of honoring what we had. My tears had meaning. Tears for the passage of time. Tears for us growing another day older, another day wiser. Tears that the way I felt on that day will never be felt again. People may enter our lives. But the way we were together will never be exactly the same. Each love is different. Stronger perhaps, but just knowing it will be different is alright by me. I cry for what could of been, what was, and what will never get the chance to be. And then, just like that, the tears stopped. The sun shines again, the rain goes away. The pain still lingers, but less sharp. Its more of a dull ache, or sadness. Soon I will be able to hear your name, see it spelled out on paper and not feel emotionally destroyed by you. I will feel happy for you someday. Wish you well even. Maybe we will pass on the street and even exchange pleasantries, the kind where we smile genuine smiles and make plans to get together that we both know we will never actually keep, but we both smile and plan to anyway. Soon, someone new will fill the void that you once filled. Someone new will stand in your place. Just like that. And I may love them. But not in the same way I loved you yesterday.

dedicated to JRG

I remember the day I met you, met you and her
One of those movie moments really. sorority recruitment. me in red symbolozing the confidence I was trying to project. Her in white, matching her creamy skin, her blonde hair, and the string of pearls effortlessly drapped around her neck. Like the perfect Southern Sorority Girl. She looked the part. She was the epitome of a Southern Bell, she was soon to become our Southern Bell. You stood beside her like the rock you were. Button down shirt, men's shorts, and cropped hair. Immediately I knew you were two people who walked into my life for a reason. Instantly, I felt a connection. Talking to you both I realized. Nobody else did. That made me adore you both that much more. Because you both didnt fit the mold. And neither did I. You were unique. The way you drove the only pick-up truck on our campus. The way you laughed when I mentioned what a cliche' a Southern dyke girl driving a pick-up truck was. The way you stood with that beautiful smile of yours in my dorm room in your boots, showing off your dance moves. the way we all clapped and hollered. Everytime we got you alone we tried to get you to dance for us. You feigned shyness and then hopped and stamped the floor with your boots grinning from ear to ear, loving the attention. The times we shared meals together, and dances together. Hugs in passing. And smiles. The way you wore your Rugby injuries proudly. A badge of honor. Countless black eyes that made me gasp in horror and made you shrug because it was part of the game, part of the fun, part of the thrill of being out on the field and kicking ass, making sure the girls on the other team left looking worse. The way you and I stayed up watching The L Word, drooling over the girls. Bonding on a level I never bonded with anyone else. The way you took care of my girl, your girl really, but the girl I met and instantly wanted to protect like a little sister, keep safe in my pocket like the prescious jewel that she is, hide her from the world so nobody would dare hurt her. And you took care of her with your strong arms, and protective heart. Thats what I will remember most about you. How fiercely loyal and protective you were. How strong and caring you were. How you NEVER once made a godamned apology for being exactly who you were, and didnt give a shit who liked it or not. You wore your gay pride the way you wore your Southern Pride, the way you wore your athletic pride, and the pride you had for those who you loved and who loved you back. And we all loved you back more than you will ever get to know...

4am

She stumbles in make-up smeared like Courtney Love
Her hair messy and reaking of Marlboro Milds
Her pants are soaked from running through sprinklers
She can still taste the alcohol on her breath, and him
Him whose taste lingers sweet and comforting
Making her taste buds dance with pleasure
She tries hard not to swallow because she doesnt want to lose his essence
But if she swallows he will be inside her she realizes
He already was inside her
Only hours ago
Gentle and aggressive all at once
She peels off her clothes like a snake sheds its skin, little by little slithering out of the fabric that feels molded permanently to her body
She stumbles to her room and collapses on the bed, still intoxicated from the sheer force his prescence has on her life, her heart
Her fragile, juvenile little heart
Her heart he alone has broken too many times to count
So many times he doesnt even realize
But not tonight, tonight he revived her, brought her back to life from the inside out
Her fingers still feel him, feel him, him against her skin as if she is still touching him
touching his fingers, his chest, his everything
She knows that once she goes to sleep, he will be gone
gone from her touch, her taste, her sight and her memories
because when she wakes it will be tomorrow
and tomorrow is a new day
a new day that will deliver broken promises and new men who want to take her for a ride
But nothing can replace that 4am feeling

IF

If you have to figure out what I already know for sure
dont bother
If you cant wear your heart on your collar, the way I wear mine on a necklace made of cracked glass
its not worth my time
If you arent ready for love with every fiber of your being
you are not the one for me
If you cant fight for what you want, what you believe in, and stand up for yourself
you're not the kind of man I am looking for
If you think I am going to play Sally to your Harry and be your consolation prize after you use me and ignore me,
you are living in a fantasy world.
If you havent lived out all of your wildest collegeboy fantasies
you are not ready to be with me
If you dont know who you are
then you aren't ready to be with anyone
If you think its my job to fix your problems while you lie to me some more
you are wrong
If you arent over your adolescence
its not going to work
If you cant listen and be there for me, the way I am willing to listen and be there for you,
I am not interested
If you can talk the talk, but cant walk the walk
dont bother talking at all
If your arms arent strong enough to carry me when I am too weak to stand on my own
then you arent the one for me
If you think you can be complacent and not make an effort to win my heart
you are sorely misguided
If you have mommy issues, are afraid of your own shadow, and expect me to do all the dirty work
then you aren't the one
If you cant love me the way I love you
its time to let you go.

Bruises Fade or so they say

Black, blue, purple and gold, a kaleidescope of colors
changing patterns by the hour
Bruises fade they say...but scars last forever
You can hurt me all you want
Poke, prod, stitch, stab, cut
it doesnt matter anymore
the purpose behind the beauty has dissipated
You can change the outside
but you can never destroy the inside
Anoretic, alcoholic, prude, slut, addict; all labels you've come to adore
The hunger for more cannot be stamped out
you can try if you want to

The mirror stares back at you
Who are you looking through me?
With your dark, judgemental eyes
Don't you realize I want to be left alone to my own devices
Even in the dark the imperfections are revealed
the cracks coming to the surface
threatening to swallow this room whole