unfinished

Yesterday you got me high, high as a cloud, a cloud in the sky,
And, today, today you made me fall, crashing down, without a sound...
Oh, how I wanted you to stay
But someone got in the way
And there is no better way to say
I was happier yesterday

Eight days from now
You might beg me to be yours
Tell me that you are sorry
Promise that you'll make it up to me

And its true that I dont know what I want
One minute I want to crawl in your arms and the next I wish youd just go the fuck away.
I guess I just would like some honesty
Hey. I guess what I am trying to tell you, is you should've known better
You should have had the decency to tell me where you want to be
You shouldnt be playing the victim, you made your own decisions, you created your own destiny
And you, yeah, you shouldnt be playing both sides. Promising me, and lying to her, you might just be a coward in disguise.

Theres so much I want to say to you, so much I said already, so much I should just keep to myself.
Theres some things you dont know about me, maybe you'll never get to know. And maybe its better that way.
Of course, I always hope for best, but I have learned to expect the worst.

Yesterday you got me high, high as a cloud, a cloud in the sky,
And today, today you made me fall, crashing down, without a sound
But someone got in the way
And there is no better way to tell you
I was happier yesterday..

Options, Questions and Uncertainty

So many options, so many questions and --oh so much uncertainty. I am someone who likes to know what comes next. I analyze and overanalyze. I question everyone and everything, because I want to make sure I take the right and appropriate steps so the outcome is always desirable. I do this at work, in class(when I was a student), and I even do this in my social life. I want to make sure I am prepared. I am a seeker of knowledge and I want to know why and how come about everything. At the doctor,before the doctor even comes near me,I need to know exactly what he will be doing, step-by-step. I dont care if its just a teeth cleaning and then x-rays, I want to be prepared. And I never thought that was a bad thing. And I still don't. But I feel like there is some room for adjustments, and with that being said, I am trying to relax a little. Granted, the word relax has never been in my vocabulary, however, I am trying to broaden my vocabulary,and embrace relaxing and just going with the flow. Stop anticipating and analyzing every step, and just wait it out. I also want to stop procrastinating so much. I need to take an active role in my life. I need to stop being scared and just try. I need to be pro-active about what I want and need out of life. I need to stop sitting on the sidelines and get in the game. I can only be prepared so much. Life is bound to throw you curveballs no matter how much you try to sidestep any mishaps. Part of the joy of life is the not knowing, the wonder and the mystery. No matter how much you try to plan out your life you really cant. You can only plan so far. The rest needs to be left to fate, or coincidence, or G-d, or whatever it is you believe in. You have to put your faith in the universe that things will turn out exactly the way they were supposed to. So I need to stop wasting time analyzing and questioning and fretting over uncertain situations and just make the most out of what I can, and hope for the best.

Clarification and Self-Empowerment

Okay, for those of you that read my last blog, I feel the need to clarify. I dont know why I feel this need, but I do. What can I say, I am a nice gal like that. Anyway, my last blog was written from a specific point of view at a specific moment in time, and that in no way necessarily reflects how I feel currently. I do still stand by it. Because I wrote it, and it was very indicative of how I was feeling in that particular moment...but alas, today is a new day, and worry not, because all is well in Lizzieland. I have a new perspective:

Life is about living and learning.
Mistakes are part of life. Yes they may hurt. But you get over them, and as long as you learn from them then thats what counts. I have learned from all of my choices, the good and the bad. And at 24 years old, I am happy. I am learning, living and growing. Each day is truly a gift. Cliche' as it may sound. It's the truth. I had a lousy week last week. I took a few days to vent to my close friends, my blog, and post a few late-night facebook and twitter updates that were-- I'll admit a tad excessive. But today is a new day, and I am over it. I am determined to have more good days than bad days. I am determined to not let the bad days get the best of me. I am determined to make sure the next few weeks are good. If I am unhappy with something in my life, I have the power to make the necessary changes. And that my dear friends, is a great feeling.

Lessons learned

I gave myself to you on a Friday night. Wholly and completely. It didnt matter this was the first time, it felt so right. I threw caution to the wind, and to my better judgement that was screaming at me to be smarter, think it through, wait it out, not rush into something that I will likely regret later. "Just live in the moment," another voice whispered to me in the darkness. And I listened. I allowed you in, to a place that to this day holds so much value. I allowed you to see my flaws, my weaknesses and my secrets.I broke a vow to myself, a promise-- to cherish myself more, and only invite others who I know cherish me in the way that I crave and deserve. I ignored my better judgement and abandoned sanity. Today I am paying the price. Paying the price by suffering for your sins. That cross around your neck that I gingerly ran between my fingertips everytime we were together holds no meaning. I cant believe this is happening again. Happening so soon. When I said to you I thought you were bad for me, now you must understand exactly why. You are bad for me. You were. You were poison. And you poured your poison into me fully aware of the damage that would ensue. I guess I am partly to blame because I allowed it. I allowed you inside of me. Living in the moment is not always for the best. Its a false sense of comfort. I am never allowing anyone in like that again. Ever. You were reckless with someones feelings, two people actually. And you have known full well that you have been doing that, and you did it anyway. Premeditated. You deserve whatever is coming to you.

pride

I am proud of myself for making bad decisions and learning from my mistakes
I am proud that I stand up for myself even when I am standing alone.
I am proud that I give my all when it comes to the ones I love
I am proud that I fight the good fight even if I am fighting a losing battle, the battle is still won
I am proud that I have never compromised my value system to please others
I take pride in my core set of values and know that my mother instilled the very best values and morals in me
I have pride in my identity, my inner self, and the lessons that I have learned
I have pride in the way that I treat people and the standard in which I hold myself and others accountable
I know that deep down there are others who have pride in me, and those are the only people that truly matter anyway