for a father

It was just yesterday I was three years old and you would bounce me on your knee.
I smiled and laughed and wanted to stay like this forever and didn't know that things could change
I am 25 now, and you don't even know my name
I don't want to think back on yesterdays and memories of what ifs and how it used to be.

There were more days I was mad at you and days we didn't speak
Times I cursed you and wished bad things
There was more bad than good and that makes me sad, and probably always will.
I have always worried about you, when you should have been busy worrying about me
Nights I waited up for you to come home before I went to sleep.
And after years of waiting and you didn't come home, I would go to bed early just so I didn't have to see you.
Clutching my covers tightly around my chin, I would shut my eyes and pretend to be asleep when you finally came home and peered into my room to check on me.
I did that for years and realized how sad that was that it had gotten to that point.

There were so many times you disappointed me, promised trips to Disney World, vacations and broken promises you would come home.
After so many broken promises I stopped waiting up, and learned to get by on my own.

I guess the reason I stared out windows was because I was secretly waiting for you.
To be my knight in shining armor and give me something worth waiting for.
I can't understand how you could let things get this bad.
I never understood how you could abandon your family.
I understand now how flawed you are, and maybe one day I will be able to talk to you without tears in my eyes.