a list of numbers, names and positions,
a laundry list of days, weeks, months and years gone by.
i scour old journals for your name, for proof that you existed, proof that my memory of you is real
i am stuck in this time warp where I haven't changed yet somehow everyone else in my life has,
i sit numbing myself with Southern Comfort and razor blades and folksy chick rock
while you are in bed with countless lovers, all so much more significant than I was
your name is just another name on a piece of paper anyway
and i am just another notch on your belt buckle.
it doesn't much matter what we had
what ever happened to the promises, that no matter how many times the tides ripped us apart, we'd always float back out to sea until we reached each other again.
Whatever happened to the way you looked at me, stared at me from across the room, the way you now look at her
The way your eyes sparkled as you watched me when you thought I wasn't looking, and all the times we'd stare at each other longingly both too young or too scared to tell the other what was really on our minds
I am not scared to tell you what has long been on my mind, but now you are somebody elses lover, her possession.
I no longer have the right to stare at you, or worship you the way I once did.
I wish we were kids again because knowing what I know now, I would have never let you go.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Friday, January 1, 2010
Snovom Godom-My Resolutions for 2010
TOP 10 RESOLUTIONS
1.)Quit Smoking- I have been a smoker since 2000. It started with Marlboro Reds borrowed from Corey while at Dave's first few shows when I was 14. Then it progressed to purchasing Capri's at the bodega on Union Tpke on the walk home from school, when I was a depressed 15-year old sophomore( the Indian man behind the counter didn't even card me). Then it turned into a virtual sampling of the smorgasbord of tobacco products. Lucky Strike, Camels, Marlboro Reds, Lights, Ultra Lights, Menthol Lights, Milds, Newports, Kool, Merits, American Spirits, Misty's, Salem, Pall Mall, Parliaments, Capri, Nat Sherman, Dunhill and Djarum's cloves, and black and milds cigarillos. I own a hookah from the Middle East. I have explored all that the world of nicotine laced tobacco has to offer. I watched both my grandfathers die from tobacco related illnesses and yet a decade ago I began smoking. Sometimes it has been social, other times it has been habitual. It has been my clutch, my security blanket, my go-to means of self destruction. It's time I find a new way to self-destruct.
2.) Lose (more) Weight-As previously stated for those of you that read my last entry I lost 25lbs in 2009. I would like to lose a bit more weight. I want to be healthier and that includes toning up a bit and being able to wear a bikini next summer. Another 10 lbs would be ideal for now. I want to start running once the weather gets nice, hopefully around March. I also would like to cook more and order take-out less. I want to learn some new recipes, specifically of the Jewish, Israeli and Russian variety.
3.) Eliminate Negative Individuals-Okay, so I tend to put up with a lot of crap from people. Not nearly as much as I used to, but still a lot more than I should. I give a lot of leeway and slack to people, particularly men than they deserve. I let them disappoint me and then I give them enough rope with which to hang themselves with, and believe me, 9 times out of 10 they inevitably do--hang themselves that is. I, being the emotional creature that I am, become completely devastated and self-destructive and regretful that I gave these individuals the time of day to begin with. 9 times out of 10 I knew better. 9 times out of 10 it wasn't a complete shock when they turned out to be lying scumbags. It's time to focus my energy on the people in my life who deserve it. The people who have earned a place in my inner circle. The people worthy of my time and energy, love and devotion. Whether I went on one date with you, or have been friends with you for years, if you do not treat me with respect, I am no longer going to give you the time of day. The worst punishment I can inflict is not allowing you a coveted slot in my world.
4.) Go to bed earlier- Going to bed earlier is directly related to my level of productivity. The later I go to bed, the later I am likely to wake up. The later I wake up, the less I get done. The less I get done, the more depressed I will be, the more depressed I am the later I go to sleep and the cycle continues.
5.)Ebay- For the last 6-8 months I have started selling my mothers crochet supplies on Ebay. My mother has a huge inventory of beautiful yarn, as well as knitting and crochet books and patterns all in new condition. I have a smaller sized inventory of used books, and clothes to sell. We have done fairly well for ourselves, but we haven't sold our merchandise on a regular basis. It is a big goal of mine that while I am currently unemployed I will really conquer the online market and get maximum dollar for our merchandise.
6.) Return phone calls- So I am terrible at this. Always have been. Friends will call me, and I will not feel like talking, so I ignore their calls, figuring I will call them back in ten minutes when I am free. Well that is a fine plan except for the fact that I rarely return their phone calls and when I do it's after they have tried to reach me another 7 times. Bad lizzie.
1.)Quit Smoking- I have been a smoker since 2000. It started with Marlboro Reds borrowed from Corey while at Dave's first few shows when I was 14. Then it progressed to purchasing Capri's at the bodega on Union Tpke on the walk home from school, when I was a depressed 15-year old sophomore( the Indian man behind the counter didn't even card me). Then it turned into a virtual sampling of the smorgasbord of tobacco products. Lucky Strike, Camels, Marlboro Reds, Lights, Ultra Lights, Menthol Lights, Milds, Newports, Kool, Merits, American Spirits, Misty's, Salem, Pall Mall, Parliaments, Capri, Nat Sherman, Dunhill and Djarum's cloves, and black and milds cigarillos. I own a hookah from the Middle East. I have explored all that the world of nicotine laced tobacco has to offer. I watched both my grandfathers die from tobacco related illnesses and yet a decade ago I began smoking. Sometimes it has been social, other times it has been habitual. It has been my clutch, my security blanket, my go-to means of self destruction. It's time I find a new way to self-destruct.
2.) Lose (more) Weight-As previously stated for those of you that read my last entry I lost 25lbs in 2009. I would like to lose a bit more weight. I want to be healthier and that includes toning up a bit and being able to wear a bikini next summer. Another 10 lbs would be ideal for now. I want to start running once the weather gets nice, hopefully around March. I also would like to cook more and order take-out less. I want to learn some new recipes, specifically of the Jewish, Israeli and Russian variety.
3.) Eliminate Negative Individuals-Okay, so I tend to put up with a lot of crap from people. Not nearly as much as I used to, but still a lot more than I should. I give a lot of leeway and slack to people, particularly men than they deserve. I let them disappoint me and then I give them enough rope with which to hang themselves with, and believe me, 9 times out of 10 they inevitably do--hang themselves that is. I, being the emotional creature that I am, become completely devastated and self-destructive and regretful that I gave these individuals the time of day to begin with. 9 times out of 10 I knew better. 9 times out of 10 it wasn't a complete shock when they turned out to be lying scumbags. It's time to focus my energy on the people in my life who deserve it. The people who have earned a place in my inner circle. The people worthy of my time and energy, love and devotion. Whether I went on one date with you, or have been friends with you for years, if you do not treat me with respect, I am no longer going to give you the time of day. The worst punishment I can inflict is not allowing you a coveted slot in my world.
4.) Go to bed earlier- Going to bed earlier is directly related to my level of productivity. The later I go to bed, the later I am likely to wake up. The later I wake up, the less I get done. The less I get done, the more depressed I will be, the more depressed I am the later I go to sleep and the cycle continues.
5.)Ebay- For the last 6-8 months I have started selling my mothers crochet supplies on Ebay. My mother has a huge inventory of beautiful yarn, as well as knitting and crochet books and patterns all in new condition. I have a smaller sized inventory of used books, and clothes to sell. We have done fairly well for ourselves, but we haven't sold our merchandise on a regular basis. It is a big goal of mine that while I am currently unemployed I will really conquer the online market and get maximum dollar for our merchandise.
6.) Return phone calls- So I am terrible at this. Always have been. Friends will call me, and I will not feel like talking, so I ignore their calls, figuring I will call them back in ten minutes when I am free. Well that is a fine plan except for the fact that I rarely return their phone calls and when I do it's after they have tried to reach me another 7 times. Bad lizzie.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Requiste pre-New Years Eve Entry
Every year either in my own diary, or in my old blog(xanga) it was a personal tradition for me to write an entry on the eve of the year that is new putting my thoughts into a collective entry about the year past, and the year to come. It is hard to put one years worth of months, weeks, days, hours and minutes into one summative entry. It is limiting, and virtually impossible. Nonetheless it is tradition. And when you are a Jew, tradition is quite important, even if it's the traditions you create for yourself.
*2009 began semi-optimistically. Spent with people who were very relevant to my life at the time. Those people still matter. Some more than others. And their place in my life has altered and shifted as have my emotions as a direct result of that shifting.
-I had a major cosmetic procedure that was something I never thought I would do. I mean, who would choose to be cut open voluntarily all for the sake of vanity? Not I said the little one. However, after much research, thought and consideration it was something I wanted to do and I am far happier for it. And you find out who your true friends are when you are bed-ridden and at the mercy of others.
- I landed 2 waitressing jobs, one lasted 4 months; and the other didn't end up happening save for a week of training.
-I sought out to do something I had wanted to do for a long time. Volunteer work. I went through a 40 hour training process and I am a trained Online Hotline Volunteer for RAINN. It is extremely rewarding on a plethora of levels. I hope to do more volunteer work in the future and continue with RAINN in the new year.
-I am in the process of applying to graduate school for Social Work. For the last few years the idea of going into Social Work has lingered in the back of my mind, only to really take on a permanent spot in the forefront in the last few months. I am applying as of now, to two schools in the city, for next fall.
-I have learned a few lessons I never thought I would have needed to learn on a personal level, but I handled those situations in the most mature fashion I could summon the strength to do, and I am extremely proud of myself for it. I respect myself so much, and I am determined to show people how to treat me. I am not going to allow people into my life, be it in a romantic or platonic fashion, unless they have something positive and enlightening to contribute. Life is too short for the bullshit.
-I lost 25lbs. Yes, I know, as the fat girl who hates skinny girls it is disgusting that I am listing this as one of my achievements, however, for me it is an achievement. I sought out to do it, and I did it. It was a New Years Resolution and I actually accomplished it. I altered my diet a lot in the last year and it paid off. The people who notice the weight loss the most are the random people in the street or store clerks. Like my Chinese food delivery guy, or my pharmacist. And I take their "You lost A LOT of weight." as a compliment not an insult.
-I got my heart broken once, and definitely shattered at least on one other occasion. Lessons learned. Their loss, not mine. My immunity for sifting through the time wasters and game players gets stronger through these experiences and each bad dating experience leads me one step closer to a potential really great dating experience.
*HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY! I will write my new year's eve wrap up and resolution list, yes list tomorrow(What did ya actually think I only had one resolution?)
*2009 began semi-optimistically. Spent with people who were very relevant to my life at the time. Those people still matter. Some more than others. And their place in my life has altered and shifted as have my emotions as a direct result of that shifting.
-I had a major cosmetic procedure that was something I never thought I would do. I mean, who would choose to be cut open voluntarily all for the sake of vanity? Not I said the little one. However, after much research, thought and consideration it was something I wanted to do and I am far happier for it. And you find out who your true friends are when you are bed-ridden and at the mercy of others.
- I landed 2 waitressing jobs, one lasted 4 months; and the other didn't end up happening save for a week of training.
-I sought out to do something I had wanted to do for a long time. Volunteer work. I went through a 40 hour training process and I am a trained Online Hotline Volunteer for RAINN. It is extremely rewarding on a plethora of levels. I hope to do more volunteer work in the future and continue with RAINN in the new year.
-I am in the process of applying to graduate school for Social Work. For the last few years the idea of going into Social Work has lingered in the back of my mind, only to really take on a permanent spot in the forefront in the last few months. I am applying as of now, to two schools in the city, for next fall.
-I have learned a few lessons I never thought I would have needed to learn on a personal level, but I handled those situations in the most mature fashion I could summon the strength to do, and I am extremely proud of myself for it. I respect myself so much, and I am determined to show people how to treat me. I am not going to allow people into my life, be it in a romantic or platonic fashion, unless they have something positive and enlightening to contribute. Life is too short for the bullshit.
-I lost 25lbs. Yes, I know, as the fat girl who hates skinny girls it is disgusting that I am listing this as one of my achievements, however, for me it is an achievement. I sought out to do it, and I did it. It was a New Years Resolution and I actually accomplished it. I altered my diet a lot in the last year and it paid off. The people who notice the weight loss the most are the random people in the street or store clerks. Like my Chinese food delivery guy, or my pharmacist. And I take their "You lost A LOT of weight." as a compliment not an insult.
-I got my heart broken once, and definitely shattered at least on one other occasion. Lessons learned. Their loss, not mine. My immunity for sifting through the time wasters and game players gets stronger through these experiences and each bad dating experience leads me one step closer to a potential really great dating experience.
*HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY! I will write my new year's eve wrap up and resolution list, yes list tomorrow(What did ya actually think I only had one resolution?)
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
My childhood friends
My childhood friends, where have you gone?
You used to be right by my side
You used to follow me around in the school yard
You used to stand waiting for me against the bike racks anticipating the sound of that first bell
that bell signaling we were let out of our cages and were free
I bounced on heels so high ready to greet you both
eager to take that long walk home
Together we walked, we skipped, we laughed;
we shared sandwiches and stories of adolescent toils with each other
and the asphalt beneath our feet
My friends where did you go?
It's like you vanished to some other place
Lingering in the atmosphere, beside the notes we passed that were thrown away, and our secrets whispered in the staircase,
Our bond was broken,
the day we turned 17
When in an instant everything I knew just went away
Puberty came and changed the rules,
Of the game we played after school.
You hid away from the only friend you had
as if you had forgotten the days when you used to follow me around incessantly
How do you deny what once was, as if it never had even been
Today I know you are out there
Many others have taken my place
Maybe they do a better job
In your mind
Than I ever did
But I know the truth
the truth which you hath denied.
You used to be right by my side
You used to follow me around in the school yard
You used to stand waiting for me against the bike racks anticipating the sound of that first bell
that bell signaling we were let out of our cages and were free
I bounced on heels so high ready to greet you both
eager to take that long walk home
Together we walked, we skipped, we laughed;
we shared sandwiches and stories of adolescent toils with each other
and the asphalt beneath our feet
My friends where did you go?
It's like you vanished to some other place
Lingering in the atmosphere, beside the notes we passed that were thrown away, and our secrets whispered in the staircase,
Our bond was broken,
the day we turned 17
When in an instant everything I knew just went away
Puberty came and changed the rules,
Of the game we played after school.
You hid away from the only friend you had
as if you had forgotten the days when you used to follow me around incessantly
How do you deny what once was, as if it never had even been
Today I know you are out there
Many others have taken my place
Maybe they do a better job
In your mind
Than I ever did
But I know the truth
the truth which you hath denied.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Where the darkness meets the light
Somewhere between the shadow of where darkness meets the light, my thoughts mingle and collide inevitably falling back to you. Its late, and time has elapsed yet I still feel you. My face has matured. My body has developed womanly curves, and my heart has broken into a thousand pieces a hundred times. Life has taken me to places near and far. I have done things you wouldn't believe. I have said things you will never know. You never saw any of this, but it is there. It is there underneath the make-up, beneath my fingertips that grasp cigarettes so tight whenever you are near. It is there behind my eyes that still sparkle whenever you are around like green sapphires. Like the name you gave me. The name that I wrote in a black Sharpie on the floor boards of your garage. It's laced in the music I still listen to. The same music I have been listening to for a decade. The alternative side of me you unlocked when you kissed me in the cold when we were just 13. We are still the same. Can you still feel that? Do you still remember those moments that I remember in the dark and in the cold where the darkness meets the light.
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