The Ghost from Relationships Past

This past Wednesday while running errands in my neighborhood I had one of those jarring moments that women everywhere are often faced with when they are least expecting it. That moment I am referring to is running into your ex in the street. While I still reside in my childhood home with my parents still in the vicinity of where many of my ex boyfriends still live, the chance of running into one of them is fairly high. And while running into an ex is usually one of those situations that leaves most girls feeling flustered I am certainly no different. However, out of all the ex's I could have run into this past week I wasn't expecting it to be him. For all intents and purposes I will call him Red.

Having just left a doctors appt I crossed Queens Blvd clad with a list of errands I needed to run. As I cross over I spot him. He is getting into a cab. While running into any ex like I said above has the ability to probably make my heart race and send me into a panic Red is no different. He is that one ex who I dread running into. He is someone I have many, many times, including during our 13-month relationship quiet literally--ran from. When I realized it was him I was stopped dead in my tracks. Like a deer in headlights. It was like seeing a ghost. He is my ghost of relationship past. One ghost who I have tried tirelessly since I broke up with him back in the summer of 2003 to get rid of.

My relationship with Red was tumultuous and unhealthy. I was young and vulnerable when I met him. During the little over a year that I dated him during my senior year of high school, both his mother and step-father both died only months apart. I have always been drawn to people who are emotionally scarred and in need of saving and Red was no different. His tragic circumstances compelled me to stay with him and put up with his emotional abuse and psychotic behavior far longer than I should have. It got to such an unhealthy level that I physically was feeling ill at the mere mention of his name and my mother and father were considering filing a restraining order against him on my behalf. His constant calls, stalking and jealousy was too much to handle. I downright began to fear what he was capable of, and what his jealousy could someday lead to if I didn't cut him out of my life.

The last time I saw Red was around 4 years ago. I voluntarily hung out with him in his apartment and even ended up in the backseat of his car. In the middle of hooking with him I realized what I was doing and began to have a panic attack. I burst into tears and ran out of his car. That was the last time I had seen him and it was a situation to this day I have blocked out of my mind.

Well standing on the street corner this week like a deer in headlights I was confronted with him. His radar always seems to sense my presence and this time was no different. He immediately jumped out of the cab. As he exited the cab and began to approach me my senses seemed to awaken and I started to turn to run in the other direction. Recalling the numerous times he has chased me down hallways and city blocks either in a jealous rage or after he has run into me randomly, he sensed I was in flight mode and told me to stop and relax. And for some reason I did. Red and I ended up walking around the area for a solid 20 minutes exchanging small talk. For some strange reason I talked to him. I didn't have a panic attack or burst into tears. I gave him the abbreviated version of what I have been up to. How I graduated college 2 years ago and was now in graduate school. How I was dating a lovely doctor whom my mother set me up with. That the reason I always ran away from him and that we didn't remain friends and could never seem to get to that point is because he traumatized me. His actions and conduct traumatized me and frankly scared my mother as well. I told him that he does come up in conversation in my house every so often, but his name is not allowed to be spoken. I told him that around the time our relationship ended I began therapy to work through some of the stuff he did to me. He seemed surprised to hear that I had been in therapy. But I had been. He asked if it was all because of him. The truth is it wasn't. I was going through some stuff on my own prior to meeting him, but my relationship with him definitely weakened an already weak emotional state. While I could have lied and and said it was, and taken the opportunity to really stick it to him and make him feel guilty, I didn't, but he was a huge factor that added to my emotional stress at that time.

After a little small talk I said goodbye to him. I did have my list of errands to run. After I had gotten home from running my errands I told my mom and a few friends that I had run into him. One friend who I had known since high school and was familiar with me and the ghost's relationship asked why I didn't run away. Why I gave him the time of day. And I think the reason was closure. Or maybe that's not why I didn't run, but what I ended up getting as a result of staying and chatting with him. I am in such a good place. Professionally, emotionally, socially, physically. I am doing great. I was 17 and 18 when I dated him and now I am 25. He is 28 now. So much time has passed that I had moved past the ghost. The ghost didn't affect me the way he used to. I didn't cry, scream or panic. I was surprisingly okay and dare I say calm.

In typical ghost fashion, he contacted me as soon as I got home. A facebook message was ready and waiting for me. I read it. But I do no feel in the slightest compelled to respond, because I know better. And more than that, I have totally moved on from that ghost.

Echoes from a past unfinished

a list of numbers, names and positions,
a laundry list of days, weeks, months and years gone by.
i scour old journals for your name, for proof that you existed, proof that my memory of you is real
i am stuck in this time warp where I haven't changed yet somehow everyone else in my life has,
i sit numbing myself with Southern Comfort and razor blades and folksy chick rock
while you are in bed with countless lovers, all so much more significant than I was
your name is just another name on a piece of paper anyway
and i am just another notch on your belt buckle.
it doesn't much matter what we had
Or the promises we made to each other that no matter how many times the tides ripped us apart, we'd always float back out to sea until we reached each other again.
I miss the way you looked at me, stared at me from across the room, the way you now look at her.
The way your eyes sparkled as you watched me when you thought I wasn't looking, and all the times we'd stare at each other longingly both too young or too scared to tell the other what was really on our minds
I am not scared to tell you what has long been on my mind, but now you are somebody elses lover, someone elses possession.
I no longer have the right to stare at you, or worship you the way I once did.

Winter Break Obsessions

With my Winter Break more than half over I have discovered quite a number of things that have kept me entertained and occupied over the last three weeks. The following is a list of my Winter Break must-haves.

Food

1. Rice Pudding-Specifically both Kozy Shack's Original and European Style variations on rice pudding. Omg, obsessed. I am polishing off a 22oz tub of the stuff every day-two days. It's bad.
2. Egg Beaters- I have abstained from most dairy due to my lactose intolerance. The joy that is eggs have been missing from my life for the last 2-3 years. But with my discovery of Egg Beaters, specifically the Garden Vegetable kind I can finally enjoy breakfast.
3.Dark Chocolate- I have never been a big chocolate person. While many of my female friends at college would polish off anything chocolate especially when it is that-time-of-the-month, I always replied "meh", but lately dark chocolate has been on my radar all month long and I am now a huge fan.
4. New Jersey sushi-I always thought the Chinese take-out across the street from my building that answered my prayers a few years back and started serving a fairly extensive array of sushi and Japanese food was pretty close to the best of the best as far as sushi goes. Boy was I wrong. Finally I met a wonderful guy who actually shares if not rivals my passion and albeit addiction to sushi and he has introduced me to the wonders that is sushi from another state. Who knew?
5.Onions- Onions were never on the top of my veggie list because who really wants to eat a vegetable that makes you cry just by cutting it, but I have developed a liking for onions. They have found a lovely place in my Egg Beater omelets and in salads.

Netflix

Netflix has been around for god knows how long but I have finally made use of its wonderful pleasures. While I still live at home with my parents, sans a tv to call my own, the connection to the outside world and to boundless entertainment is relegated to my laptop and my laptop alone. So, something like Netflix is a perfect vehicle for me to be able to watch everything from old tv shows that I haven't seen since I was a teenager like SNL episodes from the 90's, and Dawson's Creek as well as old movies I have never seen such as Pretty Woman and Last Tango in Paris all at my finger tips. It's marvelous. I can receive dvd's in the mail that I can watch on my laptop at my desk, or watch movies and tv shows at the touch of my finger instantly while reclining in bed(more of the latter than the former). It's been a great way to stay in bed yet be entertained while I am on vacation from Touro.

1.1.11

Well, 2011 is here you guys.

As it is customary to make a New Year's Resolution and I am a sucker for tradition, here are some hopes/dreams/goals etc. for 2011.

1. Walk more because I don't nearly walk enough. *Stay away from the Q10 bus no matter how late, early, cold or wet it is and how hot, cold, lazy or tired I am feeling. WALK it off BITCH.
2. Go to bed earlier, so at the very least I am asleep before the sun comes up and awake for more than an hour before the sun sets.
3. This means doing something relaxing before bed that allows my mind to detox from all the stimulation it gets all day long.
4. Go to yoga classes and work out at home.
5. Eat healthier and cook more for myself seeing as I find fault with the majority of meals my mother cooks for my family.
6. Text less and talk on the phone more.(this one is going to be a toughie)
7. Make a more concerted effort to stay in more frequent contact with my friends and eliminate contact with the undesirable people that treat me like a sex toy.
8. Put together a bartending resume and spend as many days as it takes distributing my resume to bars in Queens and Manhattan.
9. Over analyze less.(another one that will be extra challenging)
10. Start figuring out more ways to save money, specifically using coupons and sales when shopping.
11. Continue to get stellar grades and kick grad school's ass!(got a 3.7 GPA this semester BABY!)
12. Look into doing more volunteer work and flea markets.


PLACES TO GO, PEOPLE TO SEE, THINGS TO DO IN 2011:
1. Go to AC and actually go dancing.
2. Go back to the Jersey Shore next summer.
3. Go to South Street Seaport.
4. Go visit some of the museums in the city that I haven't visited in years.
5. Flea Markets
6. Go see a Broadway show and or concert
7. Try one of those fancy, 4 or 5 star sushi restaurants in the city.
8. Go see the Statue of Liberty.
9. Take a trip with my girl friends for Spring Break some place warm.
10. Join the NASW(National Association of Social Workers).
11. Watch more movies on Netflix and at the Kew Gardens Cinema and IFC theater.
12. Blog more.
13. Get better at single crochet and learn to double and triple crochet.
14. Scrap book pictures from college and the last 2 1/2 years.
.....more to be added as the year progresses....

Here's to us all checking things off lists in 2011.

Thank You 2010

2010 was a good year.

In fact, as years go it was the best.

They say the way you spend your New Year's Eve is the way you will spend your year.
I spent last year with my wonderful best friend Rita and her family in her cozy house in the Northern suburbs of New Jersey eating delicious Russian food and drinking.

That is a metaphor for how the rest of 2010 went for me.
I ate lots of good food, with lots of good people and just enjoyed myself.

2010 was a year that was hopeful. Literally consumed with possibilities both professionally and romantically.
I accomplished many goals large and small, some of which were New Year's Resolutions.

In typical Lizzie fashion I will make a list of some of the personal highlights of 2010!

1.) I GOT INTO TOURO GRADUATE SCHOOL'S MASTERS OF SOCIAL WORK PROGRAM- Graduate School has meant the world to me. I wish I had done it right out of college. I love the school, the program, the professors, and most significantly learning about a profession that I am passionate about. Discovering a career that I am passionate about has made learning exciting. This feeling, this connection that I have for Social Work, is the missing link. I sit in class and feel part of, unlike much of my school experiences prior where I felt detached and disconnected. It's been a blessing.
2.) DR. MCDREAMY- Who would have thought this little boy whose adorable baby pictures I had spent much of my life staring at, would come into my life like this? Who would have thought I would be dating someone my mother set me up with. And, who would have thought my mom would actually manage to set me up with a Doctor!?!! Through ups, downs, laughs, debates, and many embarrassing moments(most often on my end) time shared with him has been nothing short of amazing.
3.)BOSTON-It was the best of times, the worst of times. I had wanted to visit Boston since I was 13 and my camp went on a 5 day trip there that I missed thanks to my parents pulling me out of camp early that summer. And back in April I finally got to. My fabulous friend Nattaly who was studying at Boston College got to play host and tour guide showing us many of the sights that the city of Boston has to offer. The Liberty trail, Quincy Market, Little Italy, Salem, Harvard and the Sam Adams Brewery. It was the last time all 4 of the Jewish BOR Whores as my lovely college girlfriends call ourselves were together.
4.)BARTENDING SCHOOL-I had always wanted to learn to bartend and it finally occurred to me over the summer to go for it. A two week course at New York Bartending School taught me how to make everything from Manhattan's to Cosmo's, Bay Breeze's to Blow Job shots, and all the wine, spirits, beer and cordials in between. I also managed to make 24 different drinks in under 6 minutes. Hopefully I can get a job in 2011 and put those skills to use.
5.)EBAY,AMAZON,ETSY, OH, MY-One of my small goals was to sell my stuff online. My mother and I have started to make a small dent and a decent sized profit selling crafts, clothes, books and dvd's online.
6.)FINANCIAL INDEPENDENCE-I finally got control of my finances which were under my parents clutches for the past 25 years. With the money I have made from my online business sales I have been able to establish a little bit of financial independence and even bought myself a brand new laptop back in October which I am using to type this entry.
7.)YOGA-I have rediscovered yoga in the last two months through an awesome studio with locations throughout Manhattan called Yoga to the People. I enjoy the whole experience of yoga and the way it gently transforms your mind, body and soul. Hopefully 2011 will mark a deeper exploration and dedication to attending more yoga classes.

I think I will end the list at 7. 7 is a nice lucky number, or so they say. These and so many more reasons are why I am thankful to have had a happy, joyous, and exciting 2010.

Goodbye 2010, it's been a pleasure!
See you all next year!

Love,
Elizabeth Stacy