Sunday's

there's something about Sunday's
that make you want to kill yourself
like Angela Chase
in My So-Called Life
like it's 1995 and teenage angst purchased from the Gap
is all the rage

It's nights like tonight
when the rain falls on the oak trees
and the dust covering every piece of paper
collecting in my room is somehow more noticeable
on a cloudy day
when there is nothing to do except build a fort in my room
with Ani, Tori, Alanis and Liz
blaring from my speakers
as I bang away keys frantically trying to pen my memoir
in a narcissistic frenzy
deluding myself into believing I actually have something important to share with the world

nights when safety and security is 868 miles away
and Kurt Cobain still stares at me from behind his shades
and I peer out from beneath my window frame and everything outside is tinged a faded gray
and I am reminded of all the many reasons why
I absolutely hate Sunday.

you know it's love...

when you miss the person when you are still with them
when you wouldn't mind taking care of them when they are hurt or sick
when you feel safe enough to pour your heart out to them without the fear of judgment or rejection
when you look up at the moon and wonder if they are looking at the same moon right now too
when you are willing to give them a foot massage after a long days work
when you let them choose the movie, even though they always choose the movie(or restaurant)
when you fear them saying I love you, because you always want those words to feel as amazing as the first time they spoke them to you
when you can spend hours just gazing at them as they sleep
when your heart skips a beat when the phone rings and it is them
when you catch yourself staring at them for no reason and smiling
when it kills you to be apart
when you'll spend two hours in a store you never shop in just for them
when you try new things, things you never thought you would all because of them
when you travel hours on bus, train, boat or plane just to be with them
when there are times when your problems take a back seat to their problems and you are okay with that
when you can look them in the eye and see your forever in their eyes
when you are willing to take that leap of faith, because you know it just might be worth it this time.

war zone

The place I laid my head to rest
safe inside my big girl bed
The games I played down in the street
Roller blading and gazing at the trees
Staring out my window late at night
wishing on a star so bright
Mother May I, Simon Says
It's getting dark it's almost time for bed

this is the place where I grew up
this is the place where I learned to love
this is the only home I have ever known
this is the place I learned to grow
Now my neighborhood is a war zone

Skipping through the park after school
Watching Nickelodeon totally rules
Play dates and baby dolls
Trick-or-treat up and down the street on Halloween
play dough and finger paint selling girl scout cookies in the rain

this is the place where I grew up
this is the place where I learned to love
this is the only home I have ever known
this is the place where I learned to grow
Now my neighborhood is a war zone

Road rage, violence, gun shots as the sun sets
A family torn apart all so senseless
police, detectives, yellow tape and sirens
i look out the window and all i see is violence
this is my home not the 11 o'clock news

this is the place where I grew up
this is the place where I learned to love
this is the only home I have ever known
this is the place where I learned to grow
Now my neighborhood is a war zone

where the ocean meets the sky

I just came back from what I like to call my very first big-girl vacation.

It is a vacation that I booked, planned, coordinated and most importantly paid for all by myself.
It was the most glorious cruise to the East Caribbean.

The most amazing part was the fact that I actually tried new things. Outdoorsy things. I jet skied, snorkeled, and went parasailing. As I dangled 450+feet above the Caribbean Sea attached to a harness that was attached to a rope that was attached to a tiny sailboat that was being manned by a surfer dude from Virginia named Hudson with a hairstyle that resembled Spicoli in Fast Times at Ridgemont High I started to feel something.
For one, I realized that while I wasn't afraid of heights(surprising, for a girl that doesn't stand 5 feet tall), I was capable of feeling sea sick while not technically in a boat.

Secondly and more significantly, as I tried to ignore the sea sickness creeping up on me, I realized that this whole moment was very adult. Here I was, doing something I never would have experienced if it wasn't for my stepping out of the 2 bedroom box I was raised in. I was flying and although there was a guy harnessed to me( don't worry, it was just my boyfriend Michael), I was doing it. I was doing something I never considered doing before booking this trip, I was doing something out of my comfort zone and I was okay(aside from the sea sickness). I was doing something my parents would never do. Something my parents would never encourage me to do. Something my parents would consider dangerous and reckless and just not safe.

My whole life I have wanted to feel like I am an adult, or at least a big girl capable of doing big girl things like crossing the street, and driving a car.(Only one of those things have I actually mastered)

I have had parents who have stifled every and any attempt I have made at being self-sufficient and independent. My parents clip my wings every time I try to fly away, and then yell at me for not knowing how to fly. They are frustrated by my dependance on them, yet they insist on doing everything for me and controlling any and everything they can. This has been the pattern with them my whole life. This is the source of many of my problems.

Having realized their control on me is detrimental to my growth as a woman, I have taken steps(toddler-sized steps at times, but steps nonetheless) to become self-sufficient and break away from them.

Lately, it has become evident that many of my friends are beginning to lead these adult existences, existences that differ from the life I am currently leading. They are paying their own rent, going on vacations, and working full-time jobs. They drive cars that they pay insurance for. They are in long-term relationships with guys who take care of them. Some of them are living with these guys. They are financially, emotionally and physically independent from their parents. They are adults. And as usual, I am left feeling behind the curve, left back, watching from the sidelines as my friends graduate from college to adulthood, and I am left stuck in the middle.

I am tired of being stuck in the middle. I am tired of watching from the sidelines as every gets to play the game of life. I want to play. Please coach, put me in, I think I am ready. I promise, you won't regret it. So, with the little resources I had I got off the bench and into the game. And while, I still haven't scored a touchdown, I managed to stand on my own and not drop the ball.




oh, and he told me he loved me.

A woman like me

I bet you never met a woman like me
a girl with battle scars and wounds six inches deep
From the outside looking in I am just lacking motivation
Life is what you make it you tell me,
Just get over it and then you will see
you just never seem to understand
maybe you aren't a sensitive man
You itemize all of my flaws
a laundry list of goals unattained, potential unreached and decisions questionable

I am not like you
I don't make decisions and then make my move
I plot and I plan
wait patiently for someone to hold my hand and walk me through
to the other side of the fence that I am straddling
I didn't grow up with green grass and rabbits in the backyard
I fell asleep to the sounds of sirens and broken hearts
things don't come easy and sometimes they don't come at all
there are days I stay in bed,
life is far easier when the only noise I hear is the noise in my head
I bet you never met a woman like me
a woman who looks before she leaps
and then decides not to leap at all

a woman who has had pink hair, and bruises
a woman who smokes too much
and who isn't pretty without make up
I bet you never met a woman like me
someone who isn't afraid to hesitate before she makes her move
a girl with fire in her eyes and a hole in her heart
I bet you never met a girl willing to love you deeper and stronger than you ever imagined possible...if only you could love a woman like me