The monologue that sums it all up for me

"Please don't tell anyone this. I want to be happy. Yeah but I didn't think that I did. I made a promise such a long time ago that I was going to take in experiences, all of them so that I could tell other people about them so that I could save them but it gets so tiring trying to take in all the experiences for everybody, letting everyone say anything to me, and then I came here, and I see you, and you've got the fruit and the bowls and the fridge with the stuff and the robe and you touching me and I realize that I am not different, ya know, I want what everyone wants, I want what they all want. I want all the things. I just want to be happy. You know there's all these experiences that I feel like I've asked for. Things like who in their right mind would want that. You know like one time I asked someone to punch me in the chest and then cum on that spot, like that was my idea that came from my brain and its like what makes me think I deserve that. And then I remember that when I was three I told my mom that my babysitter had touched my vagina in the bath and my mom thought I was lying--obviously, and probably I was and whether I was lying or I was telling the truth something is broken inside of me. The thing that I didn't realize before I met you was that I was like lonely in such a deep deep way. You know that I was reaching for all this stuff but all I really needed was to look and someone and realize oh that person wants to be there after I am dead, you know? You think I am a crazy girl? If anything I think I am just too smart and too sensitive and too like not crazy so that I am feeling all of these big feelings and containing all this stuff for everybody else and its like okay I read this article about Fiona Apple in New York Magazine where she said "oh, everybody acts like I am nuts. I am not nuts I just want to feel it all. That's what I'm like I just want to feel it all."-Hannah Horvath, GIRLS(S2ep5)

sundays

"There's something about Sundays that makes you want to kill yourself"
Having a particularly sad Sunday. I think I dreamed about you last night...you with her...with someone else...happy. I woke up sad. Luckily, I don't remember a lot of the details of the dreams. It's still hard everyday knowing you made a choice. A choice that wasn't me. I will pray everyday that we get a chance. I pray that by the time the snow has melted, and the sun is shinning, the flowers are blooming and the grass is bright green, you will come find me. I pray that you will realize there are no two people better suited for each other than you and I.
I pray that this pain is worthwhile, that it is going to serve a greater purpose, a purpose so grand I cannot have the foresight to comprehend it right now, but when it happens, this pain will all make sense.
this has to all make sense...

regret

if we never get a chance again...i will regret it for the rest of my days.
if this is all my fault, i pray that i can change my selfish ways
if there is ever a chance for me to see you again
i will never let you out of my sight
and if you will give me a chance to prove myself to you,
i will put up quite a fight.
You are worth the world to me
In my dreams you are all I see.
I pray these dreams are not just a fantasy
but that it will someday become my beautiful reality.

I lie awake each night and pray
reading words I do not understand
from the book you left at my house
when I left my future in G-d's hands
If I could go back in time,
I definitely would make different plans.

If you saw me all alone,
crying to myself
listening to our songs
that are now meant for somebody else
you would understand
the love that is in my heart
the passion in my soul
If I had it to do over
i would never let you go.

is this the end?

When you have the kind of history we have I expected so much more from you.
I've never been more heartbroken than I am right now, and my love is too little too late and is falling on deaf ears .
How could this be the end for us, when I have waited all my life to finally be with you.
It made perfect sense and now it's too late.
I feel so much love, my heart is open and longing for you.
It kills me to not be with you. To not be lying in your arms, listening to your heartbeat, keeping each other warm, feeling the electricity flowing between us.
It kills me even more that you can't even respond to me. Like I am a stranger. Like I am nothing.
Yesterday you and I were together as one, connected as lovers, as friends and now you can't even talk to me.
You made me believe you loved me, that you feel for me the way I feel about you. You told me that once my life was organized we could give us another try.
Was this all a lie?
Was I wrong all of this time to believe in you?
To trust you more than I trusted myself?
I love you more than I have ever loved anyone and you can wait 11 whole days before sending me a fucking text message.
You can fuck me and leave me.
You can tell me you love me over prayers and wine and then treat me like I am nothing.
You can tell me nobody will be able to love me as much as you do,
that we were meant for each other, that I am the most beautiful woman you have ever met.
My heart aches for you and yet you are so far away.
My body yearns for your touch.
I refuse to admit this is the end. I refuse to believe this is how our story ends. I know there is one final chapter, the chapter where we end up together.

begin again

Let's start over clean,
Brand new and Pristine,
Forget our history and begin again
Make believe that we'd never been friends.
I want so desperately for you to see
You're the best one for me
Nobody can be as great as I can
at everything that it is you need.

The young boy that I used to know
Is on his own and full grown
The little girl you met once long ago
Is figuring it out a bit too slow
But she finally can see
That there is something special between you and me
Something so pure, so magnetic so profound

I know I am far from easy to manage
Imperfections and frailty abound
Decisions don't always come easy
I was once lost but now I am found

The future is uncertain
but with you I know it could be perfect
a clean slate, a first date and the chance at something new
So let's go somewhere uncharted
a new adventure together
two strangers embarking on a journey
discovering each other for the very first time.