I have a terrible habit of not seeing people for who they truly are. I tend to see things through this Disney fairy tale lens where people are characters in this fairy tale story that is my life, and I cast them in different characters. These characters are idealized versions of the actual person, but not really them. So for the beginning of our relationship I am looking at them under the shiny haze of fantasy, and not with the clear eyes of reality.
Does any of that make sense?
This fantasy person that I have created in my mind only tends to last for so long usually either until he reveals himself in a dramatic fashion proving to me that if this was in fact a Disney movie he proves better suited for the villain. But lately, I guess as a sign that I am maturing, or my awful dating patterns are evolving, sooner or later, I realize the errors of my ways. Sooner or later I have an epiphany and realize I had not been seeing this person for their true self, but rather their ideal self, the self that for whatever reason they are not able to be, or maybe they never will be. More aptly put the self that I want them to be, and have created for them.
I always say that I try to see the best in people. But lately I am realizing that maybe it isn't that I try to see the best in people, but I try to make people the best fit for me. I try to will the men I date to be there for me, say the right thing at the right time. I give them proverbial open doors for them to walk right into and say that perfect thing, or extend the perfect gesture at the exact moment I need it. And when it doesn't happen, doesn't fall into place the way I imagined it I am always left feeling let down. Let down that the Prince didn't hand me the glass slipper I ever so coyly dropped in his doorway. No, he stepped right over it not even realizing it was there. I am left feeling let-down, disappointed and hobbling on one foot.
The sad truth is maybe nobody is perfect. Maybe there is no such thing as perfect love. Or love at all. Maybe if you are lucky enough to find someone whose companionship is at best tolerable and even pleasurable then you got it made. I think the real essence of my struggle might lie within myself. Maybe the root of my problem really lies in my inability to be happy. I am always left unsatisfied and wanting more...
In my experience, love exists, but it looks very different from what I used to fantasize it would look like. I fantasized about the perfect prince, etc., etc., etc. But real life looks like two imperfect people who love each other enough, respect each other enough, and share enough life goals that they are willing to make the relationship mutually beneficial. It looks like having to ask for what you need/want, because your partner isn't a mind reader (and neither are you). It is changing some of your behaviors, because they annoy the living snot out of your partner, and vice versa. None of that is in the fairy tales, but it's real, and it's a part of real love.
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