Things We Dare Not Say

There are things that we dare not say.
Rules unspoken outlining thoughts forbidden.
There are rules unwritten that say that it is too soon to truly open up
too soon to share what weighs heavy on your mind and in your heart
Is it out of fear?
Fear of what?
Fear of how others will receive our feelings, our thoughts, our worries and our struggles
Is it a fear of being judged,
A fear that by confessing our innermost thoughts that will somehow change the shape and dynamics of our interactions
and the course of our relationship will forever be altered.

My whole upbringing has been based on fear
I was reared by hands shaky and uncertain
With not necessarily actions that screamed FEAR,
but words unsaid that spoke volumes about how much fear lingered in the air and in this world.
I lived in a house, an apartment, where the fear of change crushed me and threatened to turn me into a miserable, fearful person.
But I got out.
I learned some years ago that fear is not always there to protect you.
Sometimes you have to ignore the fear and do that which is scary.

I am scared.
I am not afraid to say that I am afraid.
That is my deepest secret.
My darkest confession.
I am scared.

Scared of what you ask?
Scared of everything.
Scared that I will make the wrong decision.
Scared that I will fail.
Scared that I will make a mistake that will forever alter the course of the rest of my life.
A mistake that will make me a failure.
I am afraid to fail. Petrified to fail. Terrified of failure.
and rejection
let's not forget rejection.
Rejection is fear's ugly cousin.


I am scared you are not the one for me.
More than that I am scared you are
I am scared that you are my last best shot at happiness and you will inevitably slip away
I am scared you are already slipping away, some moments I can actually feel it.
Feel you right next to me yet already gone.
We are always watching the clock, painfully aware of the time, the hands ticking away at our time together.
I am afraid life and distance and time will get in the way of us being the best us we can be.
I am afraid I am not good enough for you.
I am afraid I am falling for you but I am just filling empty space for you, space that someone else could easily come along and fill.
I am scared of falling for you, letting go and falling hopelessly and emphatically in love with you and you won't be strong enough to catch me,
scared you won't even be there..

but you will never know any of this
because these are the things I dare not say.

Paralyzed by Fear: The Inner Struggle of a Twenty-Something

I am floundering, barely existing in this so-called real world that you supposedly enter upon crossing that overwhelming stage in that cliched and generic polyester cap and gown. In my first year following graduation, I was haunted by persistent dreams of failure. Dreams that I didn't actually graduate, that I was being held back, that I was forced to watch all of my friends graduate while I would have to stay another semester in summer school. The dream was always some variation of the same recurring theme that I had not, in fact, earned my diploma, and was nothing but a failure. I would wake up covered in sweat and disoriented for the rest of the day almost unsure of whether a.) that was in fact a dream and not my reality or b.) that any day now despite having received my diploma 6-months prior, I was due to receive the fateful letter in the mail informing me there was a grave error made at my expense, and sadly, I would be forced to return for summer school.
I guess having to take something as ridiculous as gym in summer school before my junior year of high-school, had a more profound affect then I had ever realized.

I fear failure. I fear failure to such a debilitating extent that it prevents me from actually taking action and pursuing any professional success. The potential outcome of failure is far too risky for me to handle, so in my insecure mind, it is far safer to remain on the sidelines of life, not succeeding, but avoiding the risk of failure.

However, by not trying, I am thus failing. So for the last two years I have not only been a failure, but I have been a coward as well.
For the last two years since I graduated college, my life has been a stop-and-go mess of short lived dead-end jobs that have accomplished nothing and gotten me nowhere. I have dreams, I have goals, I have passions, deep-rooted passions that lay dormant within me because I have not had the chance to explore them. It is not for a lack of interest or desire, it isn't even laziness. There is a willingness on my end to strive for something greater than a life spent on Facebook, or watching reality TV. No, I would much rather be out and about, exploring my identity through professional and cultural experiences and broadening my sense of self.
I want to define myself in broader terms then who I have dated or slept with. I am fully aware that my idea of self-worth is defined by how the male(and occasionally female) population sees me. If I am in a flourishing relationship, or surrounded by attention from friends and men alike, then it is a good day in LizzieLand. If I go out to a bar or club and don't garner the attention of a number of men, if my mother tells me 12x before I walk out the door just how unflattering my outfit is to my fat figure, if my father consistently disappoints me that night, and if I don't have the attention of handsome men, then my self-worth plummets lower then the Stock Exchange.

It's fucked up, I know. This is why I want to be a therapist--because I can accurately assess destructive thought patterns and behaviors in both myself and in others.

I am steadily trying to change this behavior and these thought patterns. First of all, I need to focus less on my relationships and more on myself. I sacrifice myself for others. I need to learn to tell people no, learn to take a bigger stand against those who try to distract me. I need to take off my water wings and dive into the proverbial pool of life. I need to try. I have been taking steps, baby, toddler-sized steps towards accomplishing some of my goals. I need to do something really fucking great to make up for the waste that last year was.

21 things that I want in a Lover

blue eyes, like the sky
soft hands, firm and masculine
big strong arms, big enough to keep me safe
hair brown like the sand
heart strong but open, bruised but not broken
lips pink and smooth

democratic and diplomatic, 50-50, fair and discreet,
a firm believer in equal rights
Hopeful rather than hopeless romantic
Enjoys reading and learning, knowledge to him is boundless and never-ending.
Openhearted, open-minded and levelheaded
Thoughtful, generous, passive yet assertive
Dependable and determined
dedicated and loyal
Respectful and rational, makes decisions easily yet considers others opinions
Listens intently, truly interested in what others have to say
Wants to hear all of my stories
Tender and loving, shy but doesn't shy away from public displays of adoration
The peacemaker and passive one between us but would stand up for me in a crowd and defend me to the death
Challenges me to try new things, and allows me to impart that same challenge onto him
Diligent, intelligent, street-smart and business savvy,
Optimistic and encouraging,
Level-headed and masculine, physically fit but not too toned
Sociable yet quiet
Organized and spontaneous, romantic and passionate
Loyal and honest, athletic and well-read, likes to travel and see the world
treats every day as an opportunity for adventure

I could fall in love with you only if the seasons didn't change

My life changes with the seasons,
My days are dark and gray.
The hours grow increasingly unproductive as the snow now hardening into ice becomes
filth- covered.
Bleak and hallow, no light or warmth to guide my way.
I spend my days shivering under blankets made of fleece,
and socks made of wool,
and tattered sweatshirts made of cotton.
I sleep till three, and when I wake I curse the sky and vow to continue to hibernate.
I pull the covers back over my head, having only the motivation to breathe, although that too, often, becomes a difficult task.

When the spring comes, and the sun begins to warm the sidewalks,
and a gentle breeze rolls through my window caressing my face on that first spring day,
I know that I am born again.
I peel the covers back, take off my fleece and wool, and smile at the sky peering through the open crack of my window.
Spring is here at last.

Inevitably with spring comes a renewed motivation to take on the world, and likewise, the world seems to possess a renewed interest in taking on me
Old friends and new seek to gather in the daylight, exchange numbers and promises to make plans real soon.
Guys that I haven't seen since I was a size 2, glance my way, suddenly wanting to brighten my day.
Apparently under the gleam of the sunlight I am desirable.
The neighborhood boys who wouldn't let me play with their toys are now banging on my door to see if I can come out and play.

No matter how many seasons have passed, I still revel in the attention,
It is nice to dance under the sun and feel wanted
Most of these boys are 'fly by night' as my mother would say
I know they just are interested in me for one day
When my heart aches for love, on a rainy day, they will be gone
These neighborhood boys are just looking for a ride.
I am like a toy that they want to play with but will inevitably lose interest in after one usage.
and soon they will realize that I am not worth the money they spent.

Out of all the summer flings that I inevitably have, every other summer, there comes a time when someone special arrives and makes me think they are more than just a fling.
This person is always someone of Jewish descent, always someone with a shy reserved nature, someone smart and driven, but in need of nurturing.

This person arrives into my life by surprise,
always someone from my past, an old elementary school friend, a boy I used to know from camp, a pre-school aged playmate, who is suddenly all grown up.

Always someone from my past. Which makes it all the more a whirlwind courtship.
The stars seem to align in such a way that I think 'this could be the one' and I fall head over heels in love,
so in love that my mind and the reality of our circumstances hasn't a chance to catch up
We fall hard and we fall fast and in the end I am the only one left who can't seem to pick myself up off the ground.

Inevitably the seasons will change again.
The sun will have gone away, and the darkness will return,
and I will be alone again, left to endure another brutal winter surrounded and suffocating under a wave of fleece, wool and cotton.

New York City

You sweep me off my feet, like two lovers dancing in the rain
twisting and gliding in the harsh breeze as I wait for the F train
Your breathe is cold against my face
Your touch is raw against my palms
Your sound is the sound of 1,000 lovers joyous and in pain

I run to meet you under sunrises and sunsets
High heels clicking under my footsteps
Maybe there is a gentleman waiting for me on a Fall day,
on the corner, in the village, across from the West Side Highway
Maybe there is a fancy night on your town, waiting for me on a warm summer night
Or maybe I am shivering timidly on your park benches under a streetlight
New York City you take my breath away with your beauty and your pain
Like a lover who penetrates me but then can't recall my name
There is something poetic about your every city mile, how every street corner tells a different story and in a world that can swallow you up, it is nice to walk along your city streets and feel comforted by your heartbeat.