for a father

It was just yesterday I was three years old and you would bounce me on your knee.
I smiled and laughed and wanted to stay like this forever and didn't know that things could change
I am 25 now, and you don't even know my name
I don't want to think back on yesterdays and memories of what ifs and how it used to be.

There were more days I was mad at you and days we didn't speak
Times I cursed you and wished bad things
There was more bad than good and that makes me sad, and probably always will.
I have always worried about you, when you should have been busy worrying about me
Nights I waited up for you to come home before I went to sleep.
And after years of waiting and you didn't come home, I would go to bed early just so I didn't have to see you.
Clutching my covers tightly around my chin, I would shut my eyes and pretend to be asleep when you finally came home and peered into my room to check on me.
I did that for years and realized how sad that was that it had gotten to that point.

There were so many times you disappointed me, promised trips to Disney World, vacations and broken promises you would come home.
After so many broken promises I stopped waiting up, and learned to get by on my own.

I guess the reason I stared out windows was because I was secretly waiting for you.
To be my knight in shining armor and give me something worth waiting for.
I can't understand how you could let things get this bad.
I never understood how you could abandon your family.
I understand now how flawed you are, and maybe one day I will be able to talk to you without tears in my eyes.

25 Things You Oughta Know About Me

1. I have a 14(soon to be 15)year old cat named Steffi. She was a rescue and I have had her for 12 years.
2. My initials(excluding my middle initial) are ET, like the movie. Yes, I always make sure to phone home.
3. My parents thought I was going to be a boy. My name would have been Eric Scott.
4. I speak a few words of Spanish and around 25 words of Russian.
5. While on the subject of languages I really would love to eventually become fluent in Russian.
6. I have only been on a plane one time in my life and it wasn't until I was 22!
7. I can't ride a bike, swim, or roller skate.
8. I hate roller coasters, but love amusement parks, fairs, and arcades.
9. I have a Hebrew name and intend to give all of my future children Hebrew names as well.
10. I have eaten sushi every single week since I was 16 years old. At most I have had it 8x in one week.
11. My favorite dish to make is Russian Olivier salad.
12. I have tons of food allergies and things I have to avoid. It sucks, cuz most of them are yummy!
13. I was born on Mother's Day.
14. I do not own a microwave, washing machine, dryer, or dishwasher.
15. I still sleep with stuffed animals, one of which is a turtle tot who I have had and cherished since my third birthday.
16. I have never played sports, however I am extremely flexible.
17. This is not the only blog I have. The other one is a secret that nobody knows about.
18. I have a vast knowledge of random pop culture trivia, particularly involving celebrities and music.
19. My favorite board game is Scrabble.
20. I almost taught High School English.
21. I love volunteer work and once I get back on a steady routine I intend to volunteer at least once a month.
22. I have had almost every hair color except for blue.
23. My mom and I have the same initials,
24. I only look sweet and innocent.
25. There is so much more to me than meets the eye...

Things We Dare Not Say

There are things that we dare not say.
Rules unspoken outlining thoughts forbidden.
There are rules unwritten that say that it is too soon to truly open up
too soon to share what weighs heavy on your mind and in your heart
Is it out of fear?
Fear of what?
Fear of how others will receive our feelings, our thoughts, our worries and our struggles
Is it a fear of being judged,
A fear that by confessing our innermost thoughts that will somehow change the shape and dynamics of our interactions
and the course of our relationship will forever be altered.

My whole upbringing has been based on fear
I was reared by hands shaky and uncertain
With not necessarily actions that screamed FEAR,
but words unsaid that spoke volumes about how much fear lingered in the air and in this world.
I lived in a house, an apartment, where the fear of change crushed me and threatened to turn me into a miserable, fearful person.
But I got out.
I learned some years ago that fear is not always there to protect you.
Sometimes you have to ignore the fear and do that which is scary.

I am scared.
I am not afraid to say that I am afraid.
That is my deepest secret.
My darkest confession.
I am scared.

Scared of what you ask?
Scared of everything.
Scared that I will make the wrong decision.
Scared that I will fail.
Scared that I will make a mistake that will forever alter the course of the rest of my life.
A mistake that will make me a failure.
I am afraid to fail. Petrified to fail. Terrified of failure.
and rejection
let's not forget rejection.
Rejection is fear's ugly cousin.


I am scared you are not the one for me.
More than that I am scared you are
I am scared that you are my last best shot at happiness and you will inevitably slip away
I am scared you are already slipping away, some moments I can actually feel it.
Feel you right next to me yet already gone.
We are always watching the clock, painfully aware of the time, the hands ticking away at our time together.
I am afraid life and distance and time will get in the way of us being the best us we can be.
I am afraid I am not good enough for you.
I am afraid I am falling for you but I am just filling empty space for you, space that someone else could easily come along and fill.
I am scared of falling for you, letting go and falling hopelessly and emphatically in love with you and you won't be strong enough to catch me,
scared you won't even be there..

but you will never know any of this
because these are the things I dare not say.

Paralyzed by Fear: The Inner Struggle of a Twenty-Something

I am floundering, barely existing in this so-called real world that you supposedly enter upon crossing that overwhelming stage in that cliched and generic polyester cap and gown. In my first year following graduation, I was haunted by persistent dreams of failure. Dreams that I didn't actually graduate, that I was being held back, that I was forced to watch all of my friends graduate while I would have to stay another semester in summer school. The dream was always some variation of the same recurring theme that I had not, in fact, earned my diploma, and was nothing but a failure. I would wake up covered in sweat and disoriented for the rest of the day almost unsure of whether a.) that was in fact a dream and not my reality or b.) that any day now despite having received my diploma 6-months prior, I was due to receive the fateful letter in the mail informing me there was a grave error made at my expense, and sadly, I would be forced to return for summer school.
I guess having to take something as ridiculous as gym in summer school before my junior year of high-school, had a more profound affect then I had ever realized.

I fear failure. I fear failure to such a debilitating extent that it prevents me from actually taking action and pursuing any professional success. The potential outcome of failure is far too risky for me to handle, so in my insecure mind, it is far safer to remain on the sidelines of life, not succeeding, but avoiding the risk of failure.

However, by not trying, I am thus failing. So for the last two years I have not only been a failure, but I have been a coward as well.
For the last two years since I graduated college, my life has been a stop-and-go mess of short lived dead-end jobs that have accomplished nothing and gotten me nowhere. I have dreams, I have goals, I have passions, deep-rooted passions that lay dormant within me because I have not had the chance to explore them. It is not for a lack of interest or desire, it isn't even laziness. There is a willingness on my end to strive for something greater than a life spent on Facebook, or watching reality TV. No, I would much rather be out and about, exploring my identity through professional and cultural experiences and broadening my sense of self.
I want to define myself in broader terms then who I have dated or slept with. I am fully aware that my idea of self-worth is defined by how the male(and occasionally female) population sees me. If I am in a flourishing relationship, or surrounded by attention from friends and men alike, then it is a good day in LizzieLand. If I go out to a bar or club and don't garner the attention of a number of men, if my mother tells me 12x before I walk out the door just how unflattering my outfit is to my fat figure, if my father consistently disappoints me that night, and if I don't have the attention of handsome men, then my self-worth plummets lower then the Stock Exchange.

It's fucked up, I know. This is why I want to be a therapist--because I can accurately assess destructive thought patterns and behaviors in both myself and in others.

I am steadily trying to change this behavior and these thought patterns. First of all, I need to focus less on my relationships and more on myself. I sacrifice myself for others. I need to learn to tell people no, learn to take a bigger stand against those who try to distract me. I need to take off my water wings and dive into the proverbial pool of life. I need to try. I have been taking steps, baby, toddler-sized steps towards accomplishing some of my goals. I need to do something really fucking great to make up for the waste that last year was.

21 things that I want in a Lover

blue eyes, like the sky
soft hands, firm and masculine
big strong arms, big enough to keep me safe
hair brown like the sand
heart strong but open, bruised but not broken
lips pink and smooth

democratic and diplomatic, 50-50, fair and discreet,
a firm believer in equal rights
Hopeful rather than hopeless romantic
Enjoys reading and learning, knowledge to him is boundless and never-ending.
Openhearted, open-minded and levelheaded
Thoughtful, generous, passive yet assertive
Dependable and determined
dedicated and loyal
Respectful and rational, makes decisions easily yet considers others opinions
Listens intently, truly interested in what others have to say
Wants to hear all of my stories
Tender and loving, shy but doesn't shy away from public displays of adoration
The peacemaker and passive one between us but would stand up for me in a crowd and defend me to the death
Challenges me to try new things, and allows me to impart that same challenge onto him
Diligent, intelligent, street-smart and business savvy,
Optimistic and encouraging,
Level-headed and masculine, physically fit but not too toned
Sociable yet quiet
Organized and spontaneous, romantic and passionate
Loyal and honest, athletic and well-read, likes to travel and see the world
treats every day as an opportunity for adventure