For Kristie...

Dear Kristie,

It's been 13 years since you moved away. It feels almost like another lifetime. It's surreal how at 26 my childhood is starting to feel like a distant memory, almost like it was another lifetime entirely. You left in the fall of 1998. Our friendship didn't end well. I will never forget that day you broke my heart when our friendship came to an abrupt end like it did. You moved away, we never got to say goodbye to each other and now we never will. Please know that I didn't want to end our friendship but at the time you had left me no choice. The details of why our friendship ended are not important. Not now. Not anymore.
I remember meeting you on the first day of Kindergarten. You had blonde hair in a high pony tail and bright blue eyes hidden behind big glasses. The other kids stared and judged, even at 5 kids knew how to judge others who looked different. But I didn't. I saw beyond what those kids saw. I ran home and told my mother she must schedule a play date with my best friend Kristie immediately. For weeks all I could talk about was my new best friend Kristie who I never wanted to be away from. My mom sent me to school with a letter in my book bag to give to you to give to your mom requesting a play date for us. That same year 6th graders were making fun of you in the school yard because you were different. I remember standing up to them telling them not to make fun of my friend. I was not much bigger than you. We were always the smallest kids in the class, but I stood up to them because it was right. Nobody was going to mess with my friend. From that moment on we were inseparable. We had endless amounts of play-dates, sleep overs and we were in all of the same after-school activities. We watched the same TV shows(90210---You were Kelly and I was Brenda and we both loved Dylan) and listened to the same music( Mariah Carey, TLC, The Spice Girls) and we were in the Girl Scouts and Chorus together. You and I both were outcasts and easy targets for school yard bullies but we stuck together. We both had this pain inside of us even as children, both for very different reasons and I think that is what drew us together and bonded us.

Kristie, you touched my life and impacted it in so many ways. Ways you probably never knew and I wish I got the chance to tell you.
My love and knowledge of music was truly influenced and shaped by you. Your parents inspired and encouraged an appreciation and love of music in you from an early age. They took you to concerts all of the time and each concert you saw you told me about. Music was always playing in your house-- on the radio, in the car, on the t.v., in your parents bedroom where we would watch MTV back when they played videos. I remember sitting in front of the tv, listening to the 80's and early 90's music of the time. I discovered my favorite singer Alanis Morissette thanks to your parents taking you to see her Jagged Little Pill tour. After you saw her in concert I ran right out and bought her Jagged Little Pill album which was at the top of the charts at the time. It was 1995 and I wore that cassette out listening to her songs over and over, even though I had no idea what she was singing about.I just related to her anger and her passion. Even at 10 I had so much anger I didn't understand, but Alanis knew that same anger. We both loved her and to this day she is my all time favorite singer and that is because of you. I remember watching MTV in the early 1990's, back when MTV was good. When Beavis and Butthead and The Real World were the only shows they played that wasn't music. I remember listening to Bryan Adams, John Mellencamp, Michael Jackson and Janet Jackson and all of the amazing bands of the 80's and 90's on the radio driving in your mom's Taurus. You truly loved music and you introduced that love to me.
As children you and I were attached at the hip. We would giggle and laugh non-stop. We just looked at each other and laughed. I remember staying up all night during our many childhood sleepovers just laughing and thinking of ways to cause trouble. Prank phone calls, running around your neighborhood, watching Scary Rated R movies, eating candy and junk food and playing with our dolls. We always had so much fun! You had more life, more spunk than anyone I knew. You loved to play and party and have fun. Loved to laugh. I can still hear your laugh after all of these years. I will never forget it.

I remember the first time I saw you after you had your bone marrow transplant in the 5th grade. You had been out of school for months recovering, when I ran into you and your family at McDonalds on Metropolitan Avenue. Your back was turned to me but I knew it was you. I ran right over to you, so excited you were okay. So excited to see you after having been separated from you for months. When I walked up to you and your parents you wouldn't look at me. You turned away and hid your face. You had lost all of you hair, and your face was puffy and swollen from all of the medication you were on. You didn't want me to see you like that. You were embarrassed and afraid I would start to judge you, the way many of the other kids in school cruelly had. You were scared and ashamed of the way you looked. But to me you were the same person, just with a cute flower hat. You were my beautiful, funny, strong, incredibly brave best-friend. I admired you so so much my beautiful best friend. I had so much love and admiration for you, for what you had been through.
I remember days when you were absent from school and I was miserable, because I had nobody to talk to, nobody to eat lunch with when you weren't there.
I remember one time at lunch, you had a pear in your lunchbox, and you offered to share it with me. However, being kids we had no way to cut it seeing as they didn't provide kids with knives. So you came up with the idea to cut it using your nails. You always had long, red-polished nails. We spent the entire lunch period mutilating that pear, trying to cut it with your long nails and my stubby nails. You were so determined to cut it down the middle so you could share it with me. By the time lunch ended that poor pear was disgusting we just threw it in the garbage. But that is exactly the kind of friend you were. So determined to share your snack with me.
I remember all the time we spent sitting on your stoop playing and talking, drinking our quarter waters we had gotten from the corner store by your house. I always loved going to your house. My house, while only my parents and I, was rather boring and full of fear, your house was filled with so many people and fearlessness. So many friends and family who were always there, always surrounding you and loving you. You had a home full of love and excitement. Always something to do, somewhere to go, people to see. Your aunts, uncles and grandparents always embraced me and I spent a lot of time with them. Ordering chinese food with your beautiful ma ma(grandma) and having a sleepover at your Aunt Gina's apartment when we were 12. Time spent together was always an adventure. Your birthday parties, where we played spin the bottle in the basement taking turns kissing the same boy on the cheek over and over(usually Anthony Montalvo or Matthew Burke.lol)


You were my best-friend. The frick to my frack as my mother would say. We were two peas in a pod. But when I only narrowly missed getting my head smashed into the concrete right outside my own building by that gang-girl Theresa, I knew our friendship had reached an impasse. I was scared what danger I might face if I kept seeing you. I was scared of what you were capable of. I wanted nothing more than to protect you, to be your best-friend. I never ever would have hurt you. And now 13 years later you are gone. It isn't fair. I forgave you long ago for what happened to our friendship. I understood you more than you maybe understood yourself back then, and I knew how much you struggled with on a daily basis.

Kristie--you taught me so many lessons that have stayed with me today. My friendship with you shaped my view of the world and the values that I stand for. You helped make me the person that I am proud to be today. You taught me that we must not treat those that may look different than us like outsiders or less than. You taught me that everyone is special regardless of the way that they were born and they are deserving of respect and kindness. That what you look like on the outside does not matter, because it is who you are on the inside that counts. You taught me to stand up for those who can't stand up for themselves. You taught me that good things come in small packages(you and I are both a testament to that), and that you must fight for what you believe in. You showed me friendship and laughter, and you were my very first friend. You taught me that size doesn't matter and to not let others push you around. You taught me and inspired me in ways I never get the chance to tell you, but I know someday I will.

Another year, another story.goodbye 2011

It is customary for me to write a blog entry the night before the new year, or the night of the new year, or the day after the new year.
This year I just wasn't feeling it.
This year it hasn't felt like a new year.
But it is starting to now.
Since I still don't feel the inward pull to write a long-winded drawn out entry about this past year. I will just write a list of things that come to mind when I think of 2011, in no particular order.

Finishing my first year of graduate school with straight A's.
Starting my first social work internship and feeling uncertain.
Realizing that the smartest person in the room isn't the one talking the most(or the loudest).
Understanding that I may not know it all.
Making mistakes I vowed years ago never to make again.
Making a promise to myself just like I did back then to never make those mistakes again.
Experiencing Michael moving down to Georgia.
Realizing a long distance relationship is equally more difficult and easier than I had imagined.
Flying to Georgia to visit Michael.
Losing my precious cat Steffi and saying goodbye to her after she had already passed away.
Feeling helpless and useless at my internship.
Becoming a vegetarian.
Realizing that changing ones eating habits is an ongoing process and making poor food choices on occasion isn't a reason to beat myself up
A spiritual awakening of sorts regarding health, wellness, and the nutrients we put into our bodies.
Beginning my discovery of the raw foods and vegan movement.
Drinking wayyy too much.
Going on my very first vacation, one that I paid for and helped book on my own.
Going on my first cruise
traveling and being with Michael for 7 days
Jet skiing, parasailing, and snorkeling for the first time.
Netflix as a way of paying for my own entertainment.
Seeing lots of movies thanks to Michael.
Getting a new cat: Sheldon Socks.
Realizing I could love another pet not because I loved Steffi less, but because my heart is big enough.
Gambling in AC
flea markets. flea markets.
first punk show to see Dave's band play since I was 19.
first hangover after a punk show.
Celebrating a 1 year anniversary with someone.
contemplating my first tattoo
Jewish holidays spent with friends and their wonderfully generous and kind families.
visiting the statue of liberty
matzah ball problems at the jersey shore
good food, good friends
good books
Discovering a love of cooking.
Saying I love you.

all through the night

I know your story
and i bet you think you know mine
you got me all figured out
don't bother asking because I will tell you I am doing just fine
there's something about the way you look at me
from across the room
the music is playing
but all I can see is you
you spend the night talking to her
as I wait impatiently for it to be my turn
and when the odds never are in my favor
that is when I will crash and burn

I smoke too much and I know I always fall too short
my love life is complicated
but word on the street so is yours
If you spent some time on me baby
paid me the attention I so desperately crave
I would tell you how I almost gave up everything
for you
but you are all over the place

Maybe it wouldn't work
between me and you
I just want you to give me the time of day
and maybe the timing isn't right
But If you sing me a song
I will stay with you all through the night
If you sing me a song
I will be yours all through the night

Untitled uncertainty

maybe i am not cut out for this
all my friends tell me I am crazy
and secretly i know they are right
I stay out late and want too much
I am needy and wear my heart on my sleeve
there are moments when i think it's right
that i have it all figured out
finally
after all this time.

Then there are moments where I am unsure
moments of hesitation
and maybe it is these moments that lead me further away
from where we started
from where i thought i was
maybe we've come too far to go back
maybe you can never break up and start over again
maybe everyone is still clinging to that perfect person that got away
and nobody will ever compare
not me
not you
so why do any of us even try
to fill that void with something new
and maybe we are all stumbling in the dark
trying to figure it out as we go
and maybe we haven't gotten there yet.

diary of a young girl the day after 9/11

Dear Diary, September 12, 2001

Yesterday morning two airplanes were hijacked by terrorists and crashed into the World Trade Center. The twin towers were on fire and then later on collapsed. Thousands of New Yorkers working in those two skyline buildings are killed. Hundreds are filling up the tri-state area hospitals injured. Another plane also hijacked by terrorist suicide bombers crashed into the Pentagon and another crashed in Pennsylvania. All of New York City is in shock and dismay. People fear it may be an act of war from some foreign country. I am feeling pure rage and terror from this situation. I have heard of terrorist bombings and war in other countries before but as a teenager in the 21st century living in America and New York City of all places, never in my life have I thought we'd be under such great terrorist attack. I wonder as I sit and look out my window and am fortunate enough to see clear sky, smell fresh air, and hear the peaceful silence of an early fall night, is this over? Are we going to be subjected to further terrorist attacks? How are we as a state, as a country going to survive and have the strength to get through this? Times like this really give us a sort of reality check and make us realize that at any moment our freedom and happiness could be taken away from us by evil. It makes us realize what an unsafe, and corrupt evil world we really live in. Innocent people went about their lives, going to work as they would on any average day only to have their lives taken away by evil cowardly terrorists. This makes me wonder if we are safe anywhere. This makes me think about what's really important to me and who I truly care about. This is a pure example of how you don't realize what you've got till you've lost it. I can certainly relate that philosophy to my life...


Reflections 10 years later

This entry is entirely different than I remember it being. I remember writing about 9/11 on 9/11 not the next day. I remember writing this entry in more detail, about my day, about the details of how my day went. Like how I was in gym class, but the teacher was absent so for some reason they had us in the auditorium. Or maybe we were in the auditorium for an assembly so the teachers and principal can tells us what just happened. I remember hearing students a few seats over whispering something about planes, something about buildings, something about World Trade Centers. None of it made sense, so my 16 year old mind couldn't make sense of these rumors floating around. Finally we found out.

I remember not going to another class the rest of the day. I remember wandering the halls in a panic, unsure of where my dad worked, but only armed with the knowledge that he worked "in the city somewhere", I was certain he worked in the Financial District because after all he was a CPA, so where else would he work. I remember cursing my parents for not buying me a cell phone, because it's times like these that it would be oh so useful. I remember using a phone in my schools main office to try to call my dad and not getting through. I remember calling my grandma and speaking to her, both of us speaking quickly, happy to hear the other person was alright and unsure of what the hell was going on. I remember her telling me that no, my dad did not work near the World Trade Centers but a bit uptown from there, so he should be okay, but she hadn't heard from him yet.I remember my mom leaving work early at my old junior high school where she had started working the year before, to walk over to my high school to sign me out. I remember feeling strangely happy to see her and surprisingly unembarrassed that my mom was picking me up from school when I am 16. I remember walking out of the front of the building with my mom, and seeing Kira, my best friend who I was in a fight with and hadn't spoken to since the middle of the summer standing outside with her new friends who just so happened to be the bitchiest girls in school who made a part-time job out of making me feel miserable. She and I locked eyes but didn't say anything to each other. In that moment I wanted to run right over to her and hug her and forget all the reasons why we stopped talking in the first place, because none of it mattered when there were bombs and mass murder going on just a few miles away. I remember the long walk from Forest Hills High School to our apartment. All of Queens Blvd and Austin Street was deserted. A quiet and stillness permeated my neighborhood a neighborhood usually overwhelmed with cars, buses and pedestrians. Not one bus, not one car, not one person passed us by on our long walk home. When we got upstairs to our apartment, my mother and I, I looked out my bedroom window and half expected to see smoke and fire, and bombs going off outside. But nothing. Just quiet and eery stillness. There was no TV. The TV's weren't working that first day, at least when we came home, so I put on my headphones and turned on my discman and z100 my radio station of choice, which broadcasted from the Empire State Building was not playing music, instead just news. Just a constant flow of news coverage about the catastrophe. I remember when the TV's eventually came back on, every channel including MTV and VH1 played news. Replaying images of the planes striking the towers, the towers shaking and collapsing, sending smoke and toxic ash into the sky. People hurt and running and the police, firemen, and national guard at the scene. It felt like TV coverage would never end and when it did it was a relief, but it was also sad, because it was a part of history that I and the rest of the city was transfixed to not because it was on, but because it was the only thing we could do. Especially those that felt so stunned, so scared and so helpless by this unthinkable tragedy. On Sunday following September 11th, Kira called me to make up. I was so thankful she made the first move, so relieved to have her back in my life as a friend, and so happy to realize that in life love is the most important thing.