When you have the kind of history we have I expected so much more from you.
I've never been more heartbroken than I am right now, and my love is too little too late and is falling on deaf ears .
How could this be the end for us, when I have waited all my life to finally be with you.
It made perfect sense and now it's too late.
I feel so much love, my heart is open and longing for you.
It kills me to not be with you. To not be lying in your arms, listening to your heartbeat, keeping each other warm, feeling the electricity flowing between us.
It kills me even more that you can't even respond to me. Like I am a stranger. Like I am nothing.
Yesterday you and I were together as one, connected as lovers, as friends and now you can't even talk to me.
You made me believe you loved me, that you feel for me the way I feel about you. You told me that once my life was organized we could give us another try.
Was this all a lie?
Was I wrong all of this time to believe in you?
To trust you more than I trusted myself?
I love you more than I have ever loved anyone and you can wait 11 whole days before sending me a fucking text message.
You can fuck me and leave me.
You can tell me you love me over prayers and wine and then treat me like I am nothing.
You can tell me nobody will be able to love me as much as you do,
that we were meant for each other, that I am the most beautiful woman you have ever met.
My heart aches for you and yet you are so far away.
My body yearns for your touch.
I refuse to admit this is the end. I refuse to believe this is how our story ends. I know there is one final chapter, the chapter where we end up together.
Monday, January 28, 2013
Friday, January 25, 2013
begin again
Let's start over clean,
Brand new and Pristine,
Forget our history and begin again
Make believe that we'd never been friends.
I want so desperately for you to see
You're the best one for me
Nobody can be as great as I can
at everything that it is you need.
The young boy that I used to know
Is on his own and full grown
The little girl you met once long ago
Is figuring it out a bit too slow
But she finally can see
That there is something special between you and me
Something so pure, so magnetic so profound
I know I am far from easy to manage
Imperfections and frailty abound
Decisions don't always come easy
I was once lost but now I am found
The future is uncertain
but with you I know it could be perfect
a clean slate, a first date and the chance at something new
So let's go somewhere uncharted
a new adventure together
two strangers embarking on a journey
discovering each other for the very first time.
Brand new and Pristine,
Forget our history and begin again
Make believe that we'd never been friends.
I want so desperately for you to see
You're the best one for me
Nobody can be as great as I can
at everything that it is you need.
The young boy that I used to know
Is on his own and full grown
The little girl you met once long ago
Is figuring it out a bit too slow
But she finally can see
That there is something special between you and me
Something so pure, so magnetic so profound
I know I am far from easy to manage
Imperfections and frailty abound
Decisions don't always come easy
I was once lost but now I am found
The future is uncertain
but with you I know it could be perfect
a clean slate, a first date and the chance at something new
So let's go somewhere uncharted
a new adventure together
two strangers embarking on a journey
discovering each other for the very first time.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Promises to myself
sometimes its the promises you make to yourself that are more relevant than the ones you make to others
1.) Breathe. You do not do this nearly enough when the anxiety sets in. Step away from whatever you are doing, no matter where you are and breathe.
2.) Remember the catharsis writing has always provided you. You have been so busy with graduate school, and other distractions that you have forgotten the medium you work best in. Remember it and lean in to it when you need it.
3.) Trust your instincts. They served you well as a child, why have you abandoned them as a grown up? When you abandon them, what is the motivation behind it?
4.) Self-reflection. Just because reflecting on others has become your vocation, this does not mean you should cease to self-reflect. You know yourself better than anyone, use that to your advantage.
5.) Don't be afraid of labels. Labels can serve a valuable purpose. They can help set you free.
6.) Look people in the eye when you speak to them and uncross your arms. You are a woman, not a little girl, stand up like a lady and speak with poise and confidence.
7.) Get off the internet and pick up the phone. Call people who you haven't spoken to in a while. If you called people more often, phone conversations wouldn't be 3 hours long and so daunting. Send emails or texts to your friends and family who you don't get to see or speak to often.
8.) Learn to say no. What is the loss behind saying no? Figure out why saying no, particularly to men is so difficult. Why do they have so much control over you? Why do you let them believe they are owed something from you. You don't owe anyone anything that isn't to your benefit.
9.) Let go of the past. Use it as a lesson, reflect on it as a fond memory and then move on.
10.) Don't Facebook stalk. If you must, do it once and then walk away from the computer. Resist the urge, you can do it.
11.) Value privacy. You don't have to tell everyone everything.
12.) Set boundaries with people. If your interaction with someone is completely one-sided, try to make it an equal relationship. If they resist, it may be time to cut them out.
13.) You don't have to be nice to everyone all of the time.
14.) Ask for what you need. From friends, family, romantic relationships. Don't be afraid to assert your needs.
15.) When you are feeling overwhelmed or angry, do YOGA. Whether attending a Yoga to the People class, or practicing at home, it will help clear your mind, and eliminate stress in your body.
16.) You are not 16. Stop acting like it. Just because you spent that year isolated and miserable, does not mean you can regress.
17.) Moisturize and exfoliate.
18.) Eat healthy. Go shopping often, buy only what you will use, and learn to say no to your parents when they try to pressure you to eat something you know is no good for you.
19.) Juicing. You have a juicer, use it. Learn to make your own juices, use them as meals, experiment and make your own as a means of saving money.
20.) If you are not enjoying yourself say no or leave. Don't feel the need to say yes and compromise for others at the expense of compromising your own safety, comfort, security, willingness or enjoyment.
21.) As Madonna once said "Happiness lies in your own hands." Don't expect anyone else to provide you with the gift of happiness. It's a gift you and only you can give to yourself. Start giving.
22.) Don't confuse love with infatuation, lust, longing, loneliness or friendship.
23.) You turn 30 in two years, take this time to figure it out.
24.) Relationships of all kinds require the efforts of both people in order to grow and flourish. Don't let your insecurities prevent you from reaching out and making an effort to stay in touch or make plans. If your efforts aren't reciprocated then that is one thing, but don't expect other people to do all of the work.
25.) Make money, save money.
26.) Feel your feelings. Don't run from them or avoid them with drugs or alcohol. Drugs and alcohol can make your problems worse the morning after.
27.) Turn your computer off, your cell phone off and get off Facebook every once in a while. Use that time to do something productive, like reading a book or phoning an old friend. Go for a walk or to a yoga class.
28.) Get out of bed more often. It's so easy to stay in your pajamas and lay in bed all weekend. Find a reason to get out of bed.
29.) Eliminate the attachments that no longer serve you. You can't fix everyone's problems and be everything to everyone at the sacrifice of taking care of you. Loved ones need to be their own savior just like you need to be yours.
30.) Cultivate new friendships and nourish old ones.
31.) Reading for pleasure is great, but read to help grow your knowledge base within the mental health, psychology and social work fields.
1.) Breathe. You do not do this nearly enough when the anxiety sets in. Step away from whatever you are doing, no matter where you are and breathe.
2.) Remember the catharsis writing has always provided you. You have been so busy with graduate school, and other distractions that you have forgotten the medium you work best in. Remember it and lean in to it when you need it.
3.) Trust your instincts. They served you well as a child, why have you abandoned them as a grown up? When you abandon them, what is the motivation behind it?
4.) Self-reflection. Just because reflecting on others has become your vocation, this does not mean you should cease to self-reflect. You know yourself better than anyone, use that to your advantage.
5.) Don't be afraid of labels. Labels can serve a valuable purpose. They can help set you free.
6.) Look people in the eye when you speak to them and uncross your arms. You are a woman, not a little girl, stand up like a lady and speak with poise and confidence.
7.) Get off the internet and pick up the phone. Call people who you haven't spoken to in a while. If you called people more often, phone conversations wouldn't be 3 hours long and so daunting. Send emails or texts to your friends and family who you don't get to see or speak to often.
8.) Learn to say no. What is the loss behind saying no? Figure out why saying no, particularly to men is so difficult. Why do they have so much control over you? Why do you let them believe they are owed something from you. You don't owe anyone anything that isn't to your benefit.
9.) Let go of the past. Use it as a lesson, reflect on it as a fond memory and then move on.
10.) Don't Facebook stalk. If you must, do it once and then walk away from the computer. Resist the urge, you can do it.
11.) Value privacy. You don't have to tell everyone everything.
12.) Set boundaries with people. If your interaction with someone is completely one-sided, try to make it an equal relationship. If they resist, it may be time to cut them out.
13.) You don't have to be nice to everyone all of the time.
14.) Ask for what you need. From friends, family, romantic relationships. Don't be afraid to assert your needs.
15.) When you are feeling overwhelmed or angry, do YOGA. Whether attending a Yoga to the People class, or practicing at home, it will help clear your mind, and eliminate stress in your body.
16.) You are not 16. Stop acting like it. Just because you spent that year isolated and miserable, does not mean you can regress.
17.) Moisturize and exfoliate.
18.) Eat healthy. Go shopping often, buy only what you will use, and learn to say no to your parents when they try to pressure you to eat something you know is no good for you.
19.) Juicing. You have a juicer, use it. Learn to make your own juices, use them as meals, experiment and make your own as a means of saving money.
20.) If you are not enjoying yourself say no or leave. Don't feel the need to say yes and compromise for others at the expense of compromising your own safety, comfort, security, willingness or enjoyment.
21.) As Madonna once said "Happiness lies in your own hands." Don't expect anyone else to provide you with the gift of happiness. It's a gift you and only you can give to yourself. Start giving.
22.) Don't confuse love with infatuation, lust, longing, loneliness or friendship.
23.) You turn 30 in two years, take this time to figure it out.
24.) Relationships of all kinds require the efforts of both people in order to grow and flourish. Don't let your insecurities prevent you from reaching out and making an effort to stay in touch or make plans. If your efforts aren't reciprocated then that is one thing, but don't expect other people to do all of the work.
25.) Make money, save money.
26.) Feel your feelings. Don't run from them or avoid them with drugs or alcohol. Drugs and alcohol can make your problems worse the morning after.
27.) Turn your computer off, your cell phone off and get off Facebook every once in a while. Use that time to do something productive, like reading a book or phoning an old friend. Go for a walk or to a yoga class.
28.) Get out of bed more often. It's so easy to stay in your pajamas and lay in bed all weekend. Find a reason to get out of bed.
29.) Eliminate the attachments that no longer serve you. You can't fix everyone's problems and be everything to everyone at the sacrifice of taking care of you. Loved ones need to be their own savior just like you need to be yours.
30.) Cultivate new friendships and nourish old ones.
31.) Reading for pleasure is great, but read to help grow your knowledge base within the mental health, psychology and social work fields.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
A New Year, kinda almost having it sorta together
Hello 2013, goodbye 2012.
Each year my post- new years blog entry just keeps getting less organized and more 8th grade girl stream-of consciousness.
Things I Accomplished in 2012
*Finished my first field internship working with the formerly incarcerated.(June)
*Learned how to navigate tense work situations with a ballbuster of a boss.( Sept 11'- June 12')
*Learned that no matter where you fall on the corporate hierarchy it is still important to stand up for yourself and the issues you believe in. A good agency will respect your candor and determination.(Sept 11'-June 12')
*Fell in love with a second cat, Buster. He is just a purr machine who I am so lucky to have rescued.(February)
*Finally got the tattoo I had long wanted.(March)
*Met Alanis Morissette and got to speak to her(and I got to share the experience with someone special)(June)
*Saw Alanis in concert(and got to share the experience with someone special)(October)
*Spent a lovely week with my two great Aunts and extended family in Jacksonville and Ponte Vedra, Florida. (beer drinking, gun shootin', bbq'ing, beach bar hopping, sun soaking, hookah smoking good time) (July)
*After a boss that tore down my abilities as a clinician, I had the spirit-lifting experience of interviewing at Laguardia Community College where they all saw my tenacity and abilities and unanimously agreed I would be an asset to the program.(June)
*Received a glowing report for my mid-year evaluation from my two supervisors at Laguardia---more spirit-lifting.(December)
*Met Elizabeth Wurtzel and gave her a letter I wrote to her(December)
Things I Hope to Accomplish in 2013
* Get a positive report for my end-of-year evaluation.
*Get offered a job at Laguardia after I graduate.
*Graduate from Touro College with my Masters of Social Work
*Graduate with a cumulative GPA of at least 3.8.
*Get another tattoo
*Take the LMSW licensing exam(and pass!)
*Get hired at least part-time at an agency where I can expand my skills and knowledge about LGBTQ youth.
*Begin to save money so I can move out within the next year--hopefully before the end of 2013.
* Eat healthier, more plant based foods, less processed foods.
* Walk more
*Work on my book.
**Get it together.
Each year my post- new years blog entry just keeps getting less organized and more 8th grade girl stream-of consciousness.
Things I Accomplished in 2012
*Finished my first field internship working with the formerly incarcerated.(June)
*Learned how to navigate tense work situations with a ballbuster of a boss.( Sept 11'- June 12')
*Learned that no matter where you fall on the corporate hierarchy it is still important to stand up for yourself and the issues you believe in. A good agency will respect your candor and determination.(Sept 11'-June 12')
*Fell in love with a second cat, Buster. He is just a purr machine who I am so lucky to have rescued.(February)
*Finally got the tattoo I had long wanted.(March)
*Met Alanis Morissette and got to speak to her(and I got to share the experience with someone special)(June)
*Saw Alanis in concert(and got to share the experience with someone special)(October)
*Spent a lovely week with my two great Aunts and extended family in Jacksonville and Ponte Vedra, Florida. (beer drinking, gun shootin', bbq'ing, beach bar hopping, sun soaking, hookah smoking good time) (July)
*After a boss that tore down my abilities as a clinician, I had the spirit-lifting experience of interviewing at Laguardia Community College where they all saw my tenacity and abilities and unanimously agreed I would be an asset to the program.(June)
*Received a glowing report for my mid-year evaluation from my two supervisors at Laguardia---more spirit-lifting.(December)
*Met Elizabeth Wurtzel and gave her a letter I wrote to her(December)
Things I Hope to Accomplish in 2013
* Get a positive report for my end-of-year evaluation.
*Get offered a job at Laguardia after I graduate.
*Graduate from Touro College with my Masters of Social Work
*Graduate with a cumulative GPA of at least 3.8.
*Get another tattoo
*Take the LMSW licensing exam(and pass!)
*Get hired at least part-time at an agency where I can expand my skills and knowledge about LGBTQ youth.
*Begin to save money so I can move out within the next year--hopefully before the end of 2013.
* Eat healthier, more plant based foods, less processed foods.
* Walk more
*Work on my book.
**Get it together.
Monday, August 27, 2012
questions and answers
All my life I waited for a guy like you
Someone so honest someone so true.
Someone who'll hold my hand when I start to cry
dry my tears and kiss my eyes
A person to stand with me by my side
forever and always till the end of time
Childhood memories that I have held so dear
precious reminders of innocence
Spring time I will be born anew
but all my seasons lead back to you
You see the beauty within my scars
You see the answers to the questions within my heart
You see the beauty in my smile
I look at you and see the innocence of a child
Every few years we start over
hoping one of these days it'll be our time
No pressure baby, I will wait for you till the end of the line
Someone so honest someone so true.
Someone who'll hold my hand when I start to cry
dry my tears and kiss my eyes
A person to stand with me by my side
forever and always till the end of time
Childhood memories that I have held so dear
precious reminders of innocence
Spring time I will be born anew
but all my seasons lead back to you
You see the beauty within my scars
You see the answers to the questions within my heart
You see the beauty in my smile
I look at you and see the innocence of a child
Every few years we start over
hoping one of these days it'll be our time
No pressure baby, I will wait for you till the end of the line
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