I put pen to paper, fingers to keys, take a deep breath and begin with ease
These thoughts flow naturally, sometimes too quick to comprehend.
Sometimes they don't even make sense so I analyze and assay, grasping desperately trying to hold ontoyesterday. The way your house still smells exactly the same, even after all these years. The way the truthis devestating and still brings me to tears. The way your bedroom, ten years later looks so small. The way I mean nothing to you at all.Of course, I know better, I always do. But I guess tonight I am feeling lonely,and you just picked the right room. Shaking uncontrollably it is obvious I do not want to stay, but my hesitation is only seeming to get in your way. You make promises that are broken before they even escape your lips and speak words unspoken as you watch the motion of my hipsYou tell me guilt is an illusion, to have faith that G-d will see us through. You speak of celebicy and then you make your move. Youdon't take no for an answer, persuassion is the key. Manipulation is how you succeed. I am lost, of that you can see, a perfect target for yourtrickery. I fall easily into bed, but I am not that kind of a girl. I am just a little girl lost in this great big scary world. I just want someone who will take me by the hand, and say something infinitely original and awe inspiring and actually mean it...for once.

the weekend

This weekend was one of those weekends, I have anticipated, for a while. I had training for an organization that I am doing volunteer work for. Due to the necessity for anonymity that this site maintains I will not reveal too much about it. What I will say is as much as I hate waking up at 7 am(especially on a weekend--although its not like I wake up that early on a daily basis to begin with, so I can't complain much), it was a joy to wake up early to go to my new favorite neighborhood of this wonderful city, to sit in a room, close the door, and be surrounded by like-minded individuals who strive to make change in the exact same way that I do. People whose passion comes from the same place deep inside as mine does. It was a beautiful thing. I think I really do know what it is I want to do with my life. Once I begin actually doing my volunteering I will truly be able to gauge whether this is what I want to do as a career, but a year-and-a- half ago when I graduated from Hofstra, I knew that this was what I wanted to, but I guess I was unsure. Unsure how my family would react to me going into a field that was completely unrelated to what I just earned my degree in. Unsure if I could be any good at it. But I am more sure now then I was a year ago that this is what I want to do. This is my passion. A passion I am first truly beginning to delve into now, but, a passion nonetheless. Its wonderful to be passionate about something...even if it is in its beginning stages. Another passion, flea markets. I am doing a flea market here in Kew Gardens on Oct 17. I will be selling yarn and books. Between my mother and I we have soo much stuff. We could make a killing with all of the things we have that we could sell. I discovered the Union Square Artists flea market and the farmers market. Amaaaazing. Local farms from Upstate New York selling their fresh produce and products in Union Square. I bought a Pink Lady Apple yesterday(most amazing cross breeding of apples ever), and a vegan homemade blueberry and rasberry cookie(delish!) and I bought 3 glass charms to wear on a necklace, a handmade t-shirt with pills on it, and 3 string bracelets, and a fedora style hat(in gray) that I have been wanting for months and finally got and it looks amazing on me which is rare for hats. And then my evening ended with seeing someone I had anticipated seeing for the last month. Things went well. A bit uncomfortable due to circumstances that have occurred since the last time I saw him, however it was nice to finally have the chance to talk face to face. All in all I had a good weekend. The anticipation was worth it, and things went exactly as according to plan.

unfinished

Yesterday you got me high, high as a cloud, a cloud in the sky,
And, today, today you made me fall, crashing down, without a sound...
Oh, how I wanted you to stay
But someone got in the way
And there is no better way to say
I was happier yesterday

Eight days from now
You might beg me to be yours
Tell me that you are sorry
Promise that you'll make it up to me

And its true that I dont know what I want
One minute I want to crawl in your arms and the next I wish youd just go the fuck away.
I guess I just would like some honesty
Hey. I guess what I am trying to tell you, is you should've known better
You should have had the decency to tell me where you want to be
You shouldnt be playing the victim, you made your own decisions, you created your own destiny
And you, yeah, you shouldnt be playing both sides. Promising me, and lying to her, you might just be a coward in disguise.

Theres so much I want to say to you, so much I said already, so much I should just keep to myself.
Theres some things you dont know about me, maybe you'll never get to know. And maybe its better that way.
Of course, I always hope for best, but I have learned to expect the worst.

Yesterday you got me high, high as a cloud, a cloud in the sky,
And today, today you made me fall, crashing down, without a sound
But someone got in the way
And there is no better way to tell you
I was happier yesterday..

Options, Questions and Uncertainty

So many options, so many questions and --oh so much uncertainty. I am someone who likes to know what comes next. I analyze and overanalyze. I question everyone and everything, because I want to make sure I take the right and appropriate steps so the outcome is always desirable. I do this at work, in class(when I was a student), and I even do this in my social life. I want to make sure I am prepared. I am a seeker of knowledge and I want to know why and how come about everything. At the doctor,before the doctor even comes near me,I need to know exactly what he will be doing, step-by-step. I dont care if its just a teeth cleaning and then x-rays, I want to be prepared. And I never thought that was a bad thing. And I still don't. But I feel like there is some room for adjustments, and with that being said, I am trying to relax a little. Granted, the word relax has never been in my vocabulary, however, I am trying to broaden my vocabulary,and embrace relaxing and just going with the flow. Stop anticipating and analyzing every step, and just wait it out. I also want to stop procrastinating so much. I need to take an active role in my life. I need to stop being scared and just try. I need to be pro-active about what I want and need out of life. I need to stop sitting on the sidelines and get in the game. I can only be prepared so much. Life is bound to throw you curveballs no matter how much you try to sidestep any mishaps. Part of the joy of life is the not knowing, the wonder and the mystery. No matter how much you try to plan out your life you really cant. You can only plan so far. The rest needs to be left to fate, or coincidence, or G-d, or whatever it is you believe in. You have to put your faith in the universe that things will turn out exactly the way they were supposed to. So I need to stop wasting time analyzing and questioning and fretting over uncertain situations and just make the most out of what I can, and hope for the best.

Clarification and Self-Empowerment

Okay, for those of you that read my last blog, I feel the need to clarify. I dont know why I feel this need, but I do. What can I say, I am a nice gal like that. Anyway, my last blog was written from a specific point of view at a specific moment in time, and that in no way necessarily reflects how I feel currently. I do still stand by it. Because I wrote it, and it was very indicative of how I was feeling in that particular moment...but alas, today is a new day, and worry not, because all is well in Lizzieland. I have a new perspective:

Life is about living and learning.
Mistakes are part of life. Yes they may hurt. But you get over them, and as long as you learn from them then thats what counts. I have learned from all of my choices, the good and the bad. And at 24 years old, I am happy. I am learning, living and growing. Each day is truly a gift. Cliche' as it may sound. It's the truth. I had a lousy week last week. I took a few days to vent to my close friends, my blog, and post a few late-night facebook and twitter updates that were-- I'll admit a tad excessive. But today is a new day, and I am over it. I am determined to have more good days than bad days. I am determined to not let the bad days get the best of me. I am determined to make sure the next few weeks are good. If I am unhappy with something in my life, I have the power to make the necessary changes. And that my dear friends, is a great feeling.