There was a time when your presence in my life made so much sense
Solace came in words of encouragement and unconditionality.
Times like these I could use your humor and faith in all that is pure
Times like these I could use your faith in me.
Things are changing and I often feel unready
Without your constant presence my balance is unsteady
Lost without someone there to rescue me when times get tough
Lost without knowing there is your unconditional love
Good on paper doesn't equate good in actuality
What made sense three years ago, three months ago doesn't make much sense at all today
Everyone keeps telling me "better you find out now before it is too late."
I told you my hesitation was because I knew how quickly feelings can change.
Things work out differently than the best laid plans
The things we seek the most from others are the things we need to give ourselves
I appreciate what I have more today than ever before
I just hope and pray all that I have worked for isn't taken away.
*staying put in this space. I don't care who may or may not read it. This is my space for me, first and foremost, so I will not be jumping the blogger ship in favor of trendy tumblr.
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
the end
It's over. It's done. Said goodbye. It's what you wanted anyway so now you have it. As hard as it is to process, to let go of hopes and dreams, it is a relief, because I have been imprisoned by this situation since the new year and I have not been myself. So now I can just let it go, put it behind me and shift my focus back to what matters.
This space doesn't feel like mine anymore. This space has been hijacked along with my emotions and I think I will need to find a new place to share my thoughts that is safer. Maybe over passover break I will look for a new home for my thoughts, where my self-expression can't be dissected, judged and made a mockery of.
Just realized the irony of the title of this blog being 'All I Really Want'.
This space doesn't feel like mine anymore. This space has been hijacked along with my emotions and I think I will need to find a new place to share my thoughts that is safer. Maybe over passover break I will look for a new home for my thoughts, where my self-expression can't be dissected, judged and made a mockery of.
Just realized the irony of the title of this blog being 'All I Really Want'.
Sunday, February 17, 2013
On gratitude and growth
"It took a health scare to re-prioritize"- Front Row, Alanis Morissette
Got into a car accident Saturday morning. 10am my life almost changed forever in a potentially physically irreparable way. I was driving on my way to upstate New York with my sorority sister Emily. We were ironically on the way to the funeral for my big sister's mother who was killed in a car accident two weeks ago. We were at an intersection stopped at a stop sign, and all of the sudden another car totally slammed into us, on the driver's side. It all happened in a flash. Before we knew it all four air bags deployed(as a non-driver I wasn't aware that some cars came with four air-bags) and the car started filling with smoke. Emily turned to me and told me she couldn't hear anything, her voice shaking. I reached down to the floor of the passenger seat and grabbed for my phone which Emily told me to get and call 911. I felt awake and alert, but as the smoke filled the car I started to realize what happened. I remember speaking in short shaky phrases. "In a car accident. car filling with smoke. do we get out or stay in the car?" The operator kept telling me to calm down, which they always do, but I couldn't think straight. Hell, I didn't even know where we were. She said if we could we should get out of the car. I yelled at Emily "GET OUT OF THE CAR!" I opened the door and got out. Emily couldn't open her door so she had to climb out the passenger side. The next few minutes were kind of blurry. Emily calling her parents crying, me noticing her beautiful blue smashed in car, handing my phone to a man to talk to 911, a cute, skater-looking girl who appeared no more than 19, standing shaking and crying saying she dropped her glasses. I saw Emily's car and then realized the girl is the one that hit us and looked at her car. I started to shake.
Cops came and took down our info. A tow truck came and hauled Emily's car away. The paramedics and the tow truck people said the car was totaled and told Emily to grab anything valuable out of the vehicle. An ambulance came. Emily and I and the girl who hit us all were shaken but not hurt. The girls father came and was really sweet and seemed glad his daughter and the people she struck were all okay. I banged my knee, probably on the dashboard so Emily and I climbed into the ambulance for them to look at it. They asked us if we wanted to go to the hospital. Sitting in the back of the ambulance my anxiety started to set in and I kind of wanted to go and get checked out. I also realized that my knee was probably fine as I was able to walk on it and bend it, and I didn't want to be a hypochondriac. We decided against going to the hospital. They asked us if there was someone we could call to come get us. I called Rachel, another sorority sister who was en route to the memorial but turned around and came back to get us. The ambulance dropped us off up the road at a nearby McDonalds leaving me with an ice-pack as a parting gift. How strange it must have looked for two girls to walk out of an ambulance and into a McDonald's. I noticed a few stares but I was too in shock to laugh at the absurdity.
Rachel picked us up ten minutes later and we met up with everyone at a restaurant as we had missed the service.
I woke up today sore with a few bruises but overall feeling good. Feeling grateful. Grateful for seat belts, and to my mother for enforcing mandatory seat belt usage since I was a child. Grateful to whoever invented air bags. Had we not been strapped in with seat belts and had four air bags this could have been a very different story. Grateful to such amazing friends who all were so concerned and who have texted me today to check up on me and see how I am. Grateful for my mom for giving me a hug, something I don't usually get from her and am not ordinarily comfortable with but appreciated it nonetheless. Grateful to be able to have walked away from this awful, crazy, scary day uninjured.
2013 has been really rough. I have been through a roller coaster of emotions over the last two months that have left me dejected and numb. What this experience taught me was that I have spent the last two months focusing on what I didn't have that I completely forgot/ didn't appreciate all that I did have.
I have family and friends that are all so supportive and kind and amazingly caring. I have my health and I have a future that is bright both professionally and personally. Life is about making choices that will teach you something. Not all choices will go your way, or work out the way you had hoped. The important part of life is to be bold, to be honest, to try new things, and learn from your mistakes. Grow as a person and evolve with the seasons. Don't fear change, but welcome it as it is a chance to be a new and better you. Surround yourself with kind, respectful, caring people who value you and who make you happy. Keep your loved ones close and let go of the negativity. Have and give love, have and give honesty, have and give appreciation for all that you have, and most of all be happy...you're alive.
Got into a car accident Saturday morning. 10am my life almost changed forever in a potentially physically irreparable way. I was driving on my way to upstate New York with my sorority sister Emily. We were ironically on the way to the funeral for my big sister's mother who was killed in a car accident two weeks ago. We were at an intersection stopped at a stop sign, and all of the sudden another car totally slammed into us, on the driver's side. It all happened in a flash. Before we knew it all four air bags deployed(as a non-driver I wasn't aware that some cars came with four air-bags) and the car started filling with smoke. Emily turned to me and told me she couldn't hear anything, her voice shaking. I reached down to the floor of the passenger seat and grabbed for my phone which Emily told me to get and call 911. I felt awake and alert, but as the smoke filled the car I started to realize what happened. I remember speaking in short shaky phrases. "In a car accident. car filling with smoke. do we get out or stay in the car?" The operator kept telling me to calm down, which they always do, but I couldn't think straight. Hell, I didn't even know where we were. She said if we could we should get out of the car. I yelled at Emily "GET OUT OF THE CAR!" I opened the door and got out. Emily couldn't open her door so she had to climb out the passenger side. The next few minutes were kind of blurry. Emily calling her parents crying, me noticing her beautiful blue smashed in car, handing my phone to a man to talk to 911, a cute, skater-looking girl who appeared no more than 19, standing shaking and crying saying she dropped her glasses. I saw Emily's car and then realized the girl is the one that hit us and looked at her car. I started to shake.
Cops came and took down our info. A tow truck came and hauled Emily's car away. The paramedics and the tow truck people said the car was totaled and told Emily to grab anything valuable out of the vehicle. An ambulance came. Emily and I and the girl who hit us all were shaken but not hurt. The girls father came and was really sweet and seemed glad his daughter and the people she struck were all okay. I banged my knee, probably on the dashboard so Emily and I climbed into the ambulance for them to look at it. They asked us if we wanted to go to the hospital. Sitting in the back of the ambulance my anxiety started to set in and I kind of wanted to go and get checked out. I also realized that my knee was probably fine as I was able to walk on it and bend it, and I didn't want to be a hypochondriac. We decided against going to the hospital. They asked us if there was someone we could call to come get us. I called Rachel, another sorority sister who was en route to the memorial but turned around and came back to get us. The ambulance dropped us off up the road at a nearby McDonalds leaving me with an ice-pack as a parting gift. How strange it must have looked for two girls to walk out of an ambulance and into a McDonald's. I noticed a few stares but I was too in shock to laugh at the absurdity.
Rachel picked us up ten minutes later and we met up with everyone at a restaurant as we had missed the service.
I woke up today sore with a few bruises but overall feeling good. Feeling grateful. Grateful for seat belts, and to my mother for enforcing mandatory seat belt usage since I was a child. Grateful to whoever invented air bags. Had we not been strapped in with seat belts and had four air bags this could have been a very different story. Grateful to such amazing friends who all were so concerned and who have texted me today to check up on me and see how I am. Grateful for my mom for giving me a hug, something I don't usually get from her and am not ordinarily comfortable with but appreciated it nonetheless. Grateful to be able to have walked away from this awful, crazy, scary day uninjured.
2013 has been really rough. I have been through a roller coaster of emotions over the last two months that have left me dejected and numb. What this experience taught me was that I have spent the last two months focusing on what I didn't have that I completely forgot/ didn't appreciate all that I did have.
I have family and friends that are all so supportive and kind and amazingly caring. I have my health and I have a future that is bright both professionally and personally. Life is about making choices that will teach you something. Not all choices will go your way, or work out the way you had hoped. The important part of life is to be bold, to be honest, to try new things, and learn from your mistakes. Grow as a person and evolve with the seasons. Don't fear change, but welcome it as it is a chance to be a new and better you. Surround yourself with kind, respectful, caring people who value you and who make you happy. Keep your loved ones close and let go of the negativity. Have and give love, have and give honesty, have and give appreciation for all that you have, and most of all be happy...you're alive.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
just a thought
The ones you think you can trust you shouldn't assume you can----trust is earned not freely given no matter how long you have known someone(or how short).
countdown to graduation: exactly four months !!!!!
countdown to when the job search begins: 5 weeks
countdown to graduation: exactly four months !!!!!
countdown to when the job search begins: 5 weeks
Sunday, February 10, 2013
The monologue that sums it all up for me
"Please don't tell anyone this. I want to be happy. Yeah but I didn't think that I did. I made a promise such a long time ago that I was going to take in experiences, all of them so that I could tell other people about them so that I could save them but it gets so tiring trying to take in all the experiences for everybody, letting everyone say anything to me, and then I came here, and I see you, and you've got the fruit and the bowls and the fridge with the stuff and the robe and you touching me and I realize that I am not different, ya know, I want what everyone wants, I want what they all want. I want all the things. I just want to be happy. You know there's all these experiences that I feel like I've asked for. Things like who in their right mind would want that. You know like one time I asked someone to punch me in the chest and then cum on that spot, like that was my idea that came from my brain and its like what makes me think I deserve that. And then I remember that when I was three I told my mom that my babysitter had touched my vagina in the bath and my mom thought I was lying--obviously, and probably I was and whether I was lying or I was telling the truth something is broken inside of me. The thing that I didn't realize before I met you was that I was like lonely in such a deep deep way. You know that I was reaching for all this stuff but all I really needed was to look and someone and realize oh that person wants to be there after I am dead, you know? You think I am a crazy girl? If anything I think I am just too smart and too sensitive and too like not crazy so that I am feeling all of these big feelings and containing all this stuff for everybody else and its like okay I read this article about Fiona Apple in New York Magazine where she said "oh, everybody acts like I am nuts. I am not nuts I just want to feel it all. That's what I'm like I just want to feel it all."-Hannah Horvath, GIRLS(S2ep5)
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