Wake Me Up

reflections on childhood

I want to be a kid again,
Everything was simple when I was little
I want to collect Lisa Frank stickers
and put them on my lunchbox
I want to play in the park
the sprinklers and sandbox
Play at the beach and build sandcastles
Ride my bike with the basket and tassles on the handles
Go swimming at camp, splashing in the pool
in my little blue flowered swimsuit
Run around after school
Play dates and girl scouts
Brownies RULE!
Sell cookies in the spring
I want to be the best in my troupe
I want to go back to a time when I could  play in my room with cabbage patch and barbies
tell a story of make-believe with my dollhouse
Listen to songs on cassette
on my little stereo
singing into a hairbrush
a concert for animals, lined up on my bed
all my adoring fans


All my friends said I was the best dancer they knew
So little and flexible, I had all the right moves
Once school let out for summer
I knew camp was around the corner
the way the air smelled
I knew the best times were to be had in the summer heat
when I could tell stories with wet hair and jelly shoes with all of my summer friends

The summer lasted forever
Not a worry in the world
Candy and ice-cream
lanyard and mood rings
friendship necklaces that say "Best Friends"
with a broken heart
little did we know

Friends forever we'd squeal
Nothing lasts forever I now know
except childhood memories
reflections of a more innocent time
a time, like time itself you can never get back

Wasting all these Tears on You

Sunday thoughts

There was a time when your presence in my life made so much sense
Solace came in words of encouragement and unconditionality.
Times like these I could use your humor and faith in all that is pure
Times like these I could use your faith in me.

Things are changing and I often feel unready
Without your constant presence my balance is unsteady
Lost without someone there to rescue me when times get tough
Lost without knowing there is your unconditional love

Good on paper doesn't equate good in actuality
What made sense three years ago, three months ago doesn't make much sense at all today
Everyone keeps telling me "better you find out now before it is too late."
I told you my hesitation was because I knew how quickly feelings can change.

Things work out differently than the best laid plans
The things we seek the most from others are the things we need to give ourselves
I appreciate what I have more today than ever before
I just hope and pray all that I have worked for isn't taken away.

*staying put in this space. I don't care who may or may not read it.  This is my space for me, first and foremost, so I will not be jumping the blogger ship in favor of trendy tumblr.

the end

It's over. It's done. Said goodbye. It's what you wanted anyway so now you have it. As hard as it is to process, to let go of hopes and dreams, it is a relief, because I have been imprisoned by this situation since the new year and I have not been myself. So now I can just let it go, put it behind me and shift my focus back to what matters.

This space doesn't feel like mine anymore. This space has been hijacked along with my emotions and I think I will need to find a new place to share my thoughts that is safer. Maybe over passover break I will look for a new home for my thoughts, where my self-expression can't be dissected, judged and made a mockery of.

Just realized the irony of the title of this blog being 'All I Really Want'.